Discipline and Discipleship

It's been over a year since my last blog post, which is surprising to me since I feel like I just wrote an entry recently.... time flies! I wanted to return to the blogosphere to do a 2019 wrap up post.  2019 was a good year for me.  I learned a lot about myself, a lot about my family and friends and most importantly a lot about my Savior and his relationship with me.  I chose the word discipline for my word of the year this year. In reference to just finding more discipline in my life to be a better adult in general, but also in reference to strengthening my discipleship and therefore relationship with my Savior.

The most interesting thing I figured out though is how wrong I was about the word discipline.  Going into 2019, I chose that word as a way of kicking myself in the butt and telling myself that I was finally going to buckle down and do those work outs I'm always telling myself I'm going to do and eat under a certain amount of calories every single day without a mistake.  And I was going to keep my house clean every single day and stay on top of my laundry.  All while praying diligently and reading my scriptures every single day without fail.  Because that's what discipline is, right? No.  It isn't! The root of the word discipline and disciple means pupil or learner/student.  So discipline is the process of learning something.  Of making something a continual habit in your life that hopefully makes you better.  It's isn't perfection from the get go and then just continual perfection. 

So I learned to give myself grace this year.  I learned that becoming a better disciple meant that I was going to make mistakes.  And instead of getting off of the path and giving up,  it is more important to get back on track and become a little better every time you get back up.  Building healthy habits means having days where you just simply don't do what you're supposed to do.  And not beating yourself up about it.  Instead just saying "that's ok.  I'm doing my best and I will do better tomorrow.  I will continue trying."

And when I finally had that break through, what's cool is that I started achieving those goals I had wanted to achieve in the first place.  I joined a gym and started going regularly (not every day!), I started eating healthier (but still ate my favorite foods in moderation), and I studied my scriptures better than any other year in my life (even though I had days that I missed and didn't read at all).  When my focus changed to having a healthy balance in my life and a healthy relationship with food, with my body and with my spirituality, I became a better disciple.  And that was the original goal with choosing the word discipline.  So mission accomplished! Even though the mission changed throughout the year.  And when I took the guilt out of messing up, the stress and anxiety of messing up also were lifted, allowing me to be more motivated to continue trying.  And I think that's the key here.  God doesn't want us to feel guilty all of the time.  He just wants us to accept us for who we are, where we are, and then improve upon that.  And the progress will be a lot slower than we want it to.  But that's ok, it's still progress.  And slow progress is much more likely to stick and be sustainable than quick 180 degree changes. 

I'm looking forward to 2020 and all that it has to offer.  I have made some good goals and I have some fun things in store that I will be sharing with all of you throughout the year.  My word for 2020 is intentional.  I want to be intentional with my time, with my money, with my energy and with my talents and gifts.  All of my goals stem from that.  I don't want to mindlessly scroll social media.  I don't want to spend frivolously.  I don't want to eat junk just because it's in front of me.  I want to look at my phone because there is a purpose, I want to be productive with my time with my kids and husband, I want to look back at my financial, eating, spiritual decisions and say "I was intentional in making that choice and I'm glad I did." I want to be more mindful of myself and how I affect those around me.  Here's to 2020!

Here am I, Send Me

....oh hey.... It's been a while.  I traveled during the summer and really got out of my blogging groove.  So for those few that actually read this thing, I apologize.  And trust me, I have strongly considered just not blogging anymore (at least not on a regular basis), but I've been really inspired lately, especially after attending a women's conference this weekend, but I can't help but type out some of my thoughts.

It has also been hard to blog for the past 3 months because, well, I have found myself drowning a little bit in the realities of life.  Mainly in the reality that I am a single parent most of the time due to my husband's work schedule on top of just all of the hardships that motherhood brings in the first place.  I don't tell you this to get pity or for you to think "oh poor Grace," but I tell you because I believe in real talk in an effort to get through this life together, with all of you.

A few things uplifted me within the past few days and I have found a renewed strength.  I taught Sunday school this past Sunday and my topic was Isaiah chapters 1-6.  Yikes right?  But in chapter 6, it talks about the call of Isaiah.  The Lord comes to him and asks him to do some really hard things and what is his response? "Here am I, send me" Don't those words sound familiar? They are the same words that Christ said when asked to come and atone for all of our sins and doing something really really hard.

So sometimes I think we don't look at our trials this way.  We don't look at hard things we are faced with as callings, per se.  But aren't they? God has a plan for each and every one of us.  And guess what? That plan includes extreme hardships! And God knew ahead of time that we would be going through these things.  But he also knew that we could get through them- which is why, in a sense, he has called us to them.  So I can sit here and wallow in self pity and ask "why me, God?" or I can say, "Here am I, send me."  Let me face these challenges that you yourself prepared me for, God.  Give me the strength that only you can give me.  I trust you and I have faith that I can do all things with that strength.

I often lose my eternal perspective, especially in the face of a long enduring trial that doesn't seem to have an end in sight.  And I need constant reminders that God is by my side and will help me through it.  But he is also perfectly patient and 100% willing to send all of the reminders that I need, especially if I am willing to ask for them.  I want to follow God's plan for me.  I want to face everything he has in store for me with a "Here am I, send me" attitude.

I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. - Philippians 4:13

Investing

So we have been living in our house for a little over 2 months now, and I just have to say that I absolutely love it.  Pretty much everything about it. And it's not just about my house, but it's more than that. I love my neighborhood, and especially the new neighbors I have been blessed with.  None of my neighbors are LDS like I am, but they are all very Christian and very active in their own churches.  And I have been nothing short of uplifted every time I interact with them.  I have already become close with two of them since they live right across the street from me and right next to me and we all have kids the same ages. (Hallelujah!) There are so many benefits to my new situation, one of them being the ease of God being a part of our every day conversations.  It is amazing to me how easily we all talk about our relationships with God and how God has blessed our lives.  And it has just been a huge testimony to me that God, once again, knew what he was doing with waiting for us to match for two years.  

I always thought that this whole plan of us being in Danville revolved around Ben (meaning originally).  But the more I invest myself in my ward (congregation), my community, and now my new neighborhood, I realize how much of this plan is for me too.  God had me in mind.  He knew all along that the very best place for me to be was in this house with these neighbors, etc.  I am truly blessed.  

But I want to dive even deeper into why I am blessed.  And it has to do with this idea of investing.  Investing myself.  We all have our own God given talents that we can use for good and we can use to plug into a community.  But how many times do we not do so? It goes along with my idea of embracing that I have discussed before.  But when you truly invest yourself, your time, your talents into your surroundings, that's when you will experience the most happiness and the deep relationships that we as humans crave.  

As I've been pondering this, I've realized that there are really no drawbacks in investing yourself into your surroundings.  And I truly think this applies to everything.  Invest yourself in your family.  Invest yourself into your spouse's family. Invest yourself into your congregation, neighborhood, community, your coworkers, or basically anyone that is around you.  And in my experience, you will only be blessed by it.  And people often say to me, "Oh well that is so great that you have that ability to relate to others and reach out to them!" In a way of "Oh I could never do that."  But let me let you in on a little secret.  It scares me every time to reach out to people I don't know.  To put myself out there.  To sum it up in one word, to be vulnerable.  But I still do it because I believe so much in this concept of investing myself to the fullest of my ability.  And it's always a huge pay off.  Which is what the goal of an investment is, right?

Putting yourself out there pays off.  Even if it's awkward.  Even if it's scary.  And I'll say it.  Even if the relationship ends poorly.  Because you won't live with regrets.  I don't mean to sound preachy.  But I've just come so far in my 30 years of battling extreme shyness (social anxiety?).  And I feel like I have learned so much with how to cope with those feelings of fear and doubt and awkwardness.  And I just like to share them because I know that so many people feel those same feelings that I feel and I want to empower people (even if it's just one person) with the motivation to know that battling shyness and fear is something that is worth doing.  It's an investment you don't want to miss out on.  Because we all have so much to offer each other.  I have learned that in the short time I have talked with my new neighbors.  They have already offered so much to me and I hope I to them.  And I have learned so much from all of the people in my ward and with the friendships I have made these last two years.  Giving of yourself is the best gift you can give because all involved are blessed by it.

So I guess I can sum up my thoughts in one word- Invest!! 

Unplugging

I didn't blog last week.  But there was a reason.  I decided to take the social media fast for 7 days.  And I kind of decided to just unplug from most things for a week because I recognized that I really needed it.  It was eye opening to me how hard it was for me to delete my instagram app on my phone.  I have deleted my facebook app multiple times before. And have always felt better after unplugging.  But this was my first time giving up Instagram, and my blog, and all of the things that I felt was forcing me to look at my phone constantly.  Or that I felt was putting pressure on me in any way.

And I feel renewed.  And I feel like a solid bad habit was broken.  Yes, I have since reinstalled instagram on my phone. But I feel like I have looked at it a lot less and haven't had that urge to scroll as much.  Now of course I'm going to have to keep this in check because it will be *so* easy to fall right back into allowing Instagram to consume my life.

But I guess the main point here is this.  We always have these things that consume our lives.  And for some reason or another, we just can't seem to break away.  And there's all of these reasons in our minds as to why we can't give it up.  " But then I won't know when so and so had their baby." or "But then I won't know what happens next in the next season of that really inappropriate show I shouldn't be watching in the first place." or "but this is keeping me connected to my friends."  But at what cost? At the cost of melting your brains cells from staring at a screen all day? At missing out on building relationships with the people right in front of you? Of telling your children that your phone/computer is more important to you than they are?

I took an inventory of my life and I realize that I need to unplug way more often.  And I need to figure out a system that works.  Because there is of course so much good that comes from social media.  But it doesn't need to consume my life.  And the weirdest part? Is that once I deleted my app- after the first initial day of shock, I didn't even miss all of the things that I was so worried about missing.  Because I was filling my time with much more fulfilling things.  It's funny how sometimes we think it's going to be so so hard to give something up and we are so afraid to do it.  But then once we do, it somehow wasn't that bad.  And the benefits far outweighs the downsides.  And that lesson can definitely be applied in other areas of life.

Even with having children, for example.  It can be really daunting to start a family.  Because you are giving up your freedom.  You are giving up your spontaneity, your sleep, your free time, your stain free clothing, your ability to give people rides in the back seat of your car without moving huge carseats, your money to spend on yourself freely, your clean toy free home, and so much more.  But wow do the benefits outweigh all of that.  Right? You gain unconditional love, a little person that loves you even when you just lost your cool with them 30 seconds ago, a little person that thinks you are the coolest person in the world that knows everything about everything, the magic of seeing someone go to the zoo for the first time, that feeling where they are inconsolable and yet you are that person that can calm them down, that feeling of just wanting a break and then as soon as they go to bed, you pull your phone out to look at pictures of them and miss them, the opportunity to watch your spouse become a parent, allowing you to appreciate them in an entirely new way, and so SO much more.

Sacrificing little conveniences in our lives can often lead to the great blessings.  I read "A Gentleman in Moscow" a while back.  (amazing read if you are looking for one) And the main character at one point says that it is the inconveniences in his life that have ended up bringing him the most joy.  And that has really stuck with me.  Doing convenient, easy things, doesn't bring you true happiness.  Yes it brings you immediate pleasure sometimes, but it doesn't last.  Unplugging from that little thing that you are maybe a little too addicted to is maybe the answer to that prayer you keep repeating over and over.

So here it is. What I pondered during my 7 day fast.  And I'm glad I did it.  And I want to figure out how to unplug more from things that aren't bringing joy into my life. And I want to plug in to things that make me truly happy.

Be One

I was able to watch the "Be One" celebration over the weekend for our church.  It was a celebration of the 40th anniversary of allowing all worthy men to be ordained to the priesthood.  And it was particularly celebrating the event of black men being able to receive the priesthood.  I cannot begin to describe how inspiring this program was!

I am so grateful for how much the African American culture has brought to our church, and watching this program made me realize how much I truly have to learn from their stories.  Black American pioneer stories as well as Black African pioneer stories.  When I use the word pioneer, I mean new to the gospel, not necessarily people who walked the plains (although there were a few accounts of blacks who walked the plains as well.) It is truly amazing to me how much they have gone through with racism, prejudice and segregation and yet their stories tell of only strength, persistence, and faith in the one true God.  The stories of the hardships that were shared during the program gave me renewed strength in facing my own hardships in life.

And wow was that music powerful! I still cannot get over it.  (I watched it today actually).  And that opening song by the choir brought me to tears immediately and I just cried throughout the rest of the program.  Gospel music is so so powerful.  Reverent music can bring the spirit as well, but I have to be honest.  I feel it much more strongly when people are raising their voices in grand amens, praising the Lord with all that they have.  That's what inspires me.  And that's what the African American community has brought to our church.  And I only hope to see more of it!

I just have to share the lyrics of the opening song they sang, "More than I Can Bear." Because those words were just so so beautiful and touched me so deeply.

I've gone through the fire

And I've been through the flood

I've been broken into pieces

Seen lightning flashing from above

But through it all, I remember

That he loves me

And he cares

And he'll never put more on me

Than I can Bear

...

His Word said he won't

I Believe It

I received it

I claim it

It's mine

(my deliverance)

It's mine

(My healing)

It's mine

(my joy)

No He'll never put more on me

Than I can Bear

Powerful stuff. Now imagine listening to it with a huge choir of powerful voices, giving it all they've got.  Mind. Blown.  (Look it up on you tube, seriously). The African American community has gone through so so much in American history and the history of the world.  And yet through it all, they have so much strength to offer and they are such an example of faith to me.  And they still go through so much.  Seeing the meshing of their culture with our church culture was so so cool.  And I'm just happy this program was put on and that I got to be a part of it (in the viewing it from my couch sort of way.) 

I'm so glad we have opportunities to learn from each other. And that through sharing our differences and our experiences with each other, we can truly work towards becoming one.  We can all do better with our own prejudices and to do that we must be willing to learn from one another and "Be One," as the title of the program suggests.  I know hearing different experiences of Black members of our church through this program has inspired me in so many ways.  I want to be better and to do all that I can to become one with all of my brothers and sisters of the world. 

Excuses

A quote that has stuck out to me for a while now is "she realized none of it was real and set herself free." Confession: I have no idea who said this.  But it has still resonated with me.  When I was in the depths of sorrow because of failing out of BYU, I just couldn't seem to get it together. I couldn't take control of my own life somehow.  And I finally decided to read a book my grandma recommended to me called, Excuses Begone.  I probably would have been super reluctant to read this book based on the title alone since it seemed really cheesy to me, but I'm really glad that I did.

The premise of the book is basically that we have these problems in our life and then we have a huge list of reasons why we solve them, or excuses if you will.  Things like, "my family would think less of me," "I don't have the money," "I don't have the time," etc.  And I just realized (over a process of time of course) that when I sat down and looked at reality, there wasn't anything real that was holding me back from succeeding and taking back control of my life.  The only thing that was stopping me, was me.

The book is really good because it goes through all of the excuses and basically debunks them and shows you that most of the time, it is really just all in your head of why you can or can't do something.  And that if you are truly passionate about something, you find a way to do it no matter what.  And that is something that I wanted in my life.  I didn't want to be held back.  I wanted to face the world, full of passion, and not let anything stop me from doing so.

The main one that I think a lot of us deal with is worrying about what other people are going to think if we make a change in our lives.  And this can be anything from a small change to a big change.  But why are we letting that stop us? Why are we letting other people control our lives when we should be the one in charge? And most of the time, the people aren't really thinking what we are so afraid they will think.

The other one is being afraid of hard work.  I limit myself on so many things in life because "Oh that would just be too hard." But why do we do this to ourselves? Aren't we all capable of doing hard things? We tell ourselves that we can't do things.  But guess what? We can! I have learned this over and over and over.  I'm faced with a situation where I just don't think I can do it.  But then I'm forced to do it anyway and somehow pull through. We are capable of so much more than we give ourselves credit for.  I never thought I'd be doing a lot of the stuff that I'm doing now, but somehow it has worked out.  And I need to remember that as I go into the future.  Hard work always pays off.  Especially if it's something worth working for.

Becoming self aware and aware of reality is a hard, but important thing to do.  It will help you get rid of those excuses in your head.  It will help you take control of your life, and most importantly it will set you free!

Lessons from Rahab

You'll have to excuse my constant blog posts about the Old Testament.  As I've said before, I teach gospel doctrine at church every Sunday, so needless to say, it's on my mind.  Plus the Old Testament is so rich and full of good, amazing stuff! Going through it this time around has been such an amazing experience.  Especially since I have been to so many of the places it talks about in there.  Truly amazing.

My lesson today was on the book of Joshua and wow there is a lot of good stuff in there! One particular point, that stuck out to me this time around, is in the story of Rahab.  Joshua needed to defeat the city of Jericho, which was walled up, so he sent over two spies to check everything out.  They were sought after by the people of Jericho and Rahab, a harlot, helped them by hiding them in her home.  In exchange for helping them, she asked that when Jericho was destroyed, the Israelites would save her and her family.  The two spies complied and swore an oath to her.  Jericho was destroyed and her family was saved.

There's a lot more to the story of Joshua and Jericho, but I particularly wanted to focus on Rahab and what we can learn from her since a) she's a woman in the Bible with a story (those are hard to come by) and b) there's a great lesson to be learned from her.

Rahab was a harlot, and therefore was probably not living the most faithful life.  The Lord, however, still saw fit to use her.  He took an imperfect person and he used her in his plan for the Israelites to conquer Jericho.  She was able to be an instrument in his hands, despite her "life of sin."  And the spies could have looked at her and said, "Yeah she's not someone we want to interact with."  But they didn't.  They accepted her help and were able to conquer Jericho because of it.

So sometimes we may feel inadequate because we are imperfect.  We may feel that we are not worthy of being an instrument in the Lord's hands.  But that simply isn't true.  And Rahab teaches us that.  The Lord knows our true potential.  He knows that we are imperfect and have flaws.  And yet he still needs us.  He still wants us to come unto Him and be perfected through Him.  And what a blessing right? If he only used perfect people, he wouldn't have anyone to use!  Anyone, and I mean anyone can be an instrument in the Lord's hands.  If we seek him and submit to His will, we can do all things through Christ.

Rahab was imperfect.  Pretty much everyone in the Bible was imperfect (except Christ of course!).  I am imperfect and you are imperfect.  And sometimes we really mess up.  And get to a point where it feels impossible to come back.  But it's never too late to come back.  And there's no such thing as being too deep in to resurface.  The Lord can and will use you, if you just let him.  And he can perfect you and make you whole.  Through the power of the atonement, we can become stronger and be used by the Lord for good.

Thank goodness for the Lord and his infinite mercy.  And thank goodness for Rahab and her story.  She plays a seemingly small part in the Old Testament, but yet there are big lessons to learn from her.