Monday, December 25, 2017

Slightly early end of year wrap up

Honestly, 2017 has been one of my harder years.  And yet, I can genuinely say that I am a better person for having gone through it. As many of you know, my word for the year was faith. And although I don't feel like I understand as fully as I would like to, the lessons I have learned regarding the topic have been invaluable to me.

As I sit here, waiting for baby #2 to arrive (thus the reason for the early posting), I can't help but be grateful for the change that God has created in me.  And it's my faith that allowed that to happen.  I had to let him in and allow him to change my heart and to create a new attitude that I didn't think I was capable of having.  I have found myself in bitterness and despair during this pregnancy and then feeling guilty for having those thoughts in the first place.  And the cycle continues.  I have not shared this with everyone, but feel bound to do so as I write this post.  When I first found out I was pregnant and I went in for my first ultrasound, we received the most surprising (but not that surprising? ask me later...) and exciting news that I was having twins! As I watched Ben's jaw hit the floor, I felt nervous/excited/all the things.  How was I going to do this? How am I going to go from 1 baby to 3 when I was already scared out of my mind to bump it up to 2? Does God know that my husband works as much as he does? That I spend a majority of my time alone as a single parent?

For the next 12 weeks, I prayed and prayed and prayed for the safety of my twins, and with each ultrasound felt more at peace that God knew what he was doing and that twins really were in the plan for me, despite my fear.  I submitted my will to God, even though I was terrified of miscarrying.  At my 12 week appointment, however, I received the news that one of the babies didn't make it.  I could not believe it, and sometimes I still can't.  After hours of verifying, and reverifying with different doctors, I went home to deal with my new reality.  I had spent so much time getting myself to accept that two babies were coming and now had to do the opposite.  Was this really God's plan for me? Couldn't he have given me a heads up or something? Why did I feel peace prior to this new knowledge and then have this happen?

I will admit to you that I don't have the answers to those questions, and maybe I never will.  I can't describe to you what it feels like to simultaneously miscarry and still be pregnant at the same time.  I still haven't quite wrapped my mind around it.  As much as I would tell myself that I need to be grateful for the baby I have, thoughts of "but there are supposed to be two of them" creeped into my mind daily.  And honestly, those thoughts have not fully left, even though I am due any day now.

But back to faith.  I let myself be sad for a while.  What else could I do? But I quickly (quickly may be an exaggeration) realized that I needed to reach out to my Savior.  I needed to exercise faith in him, once again.  I needed to cast my burdens on the Lord.  As I slowly started doing this, the little seed of faith that I put forth slowly started growing, and my heart was able to change, just as the Lord promises.  Although I have been bitter about having a baby around Christmas time, somehow with the Christmas season, I have felt more peace than I thought possible as I have considered my connection with Mary, the mother of Christ, who was also pregnant during Christmas. I have spoken with amazing friends about the many wonderful things about being pregnant during this crazy season. I've learned to just say no to all of the craziness and that has allowed me to really focus on the savior this season in a way that I never have been able to before.  And once again, I have realized that the Lord knew exactly what He was doing when he decided to send me a baby girl at this exact time of year.  As I've prayed, I have kept thinking "this baby is coming to heal your heart." And although I have not met her yet, I feel that this is true.

I live 3 hours from a temple, so am not able to go often.  By some miracle, however, I was able to go two weeks in a row in November and I remembered once again something that my mother in law always tells me.  The temple is a place of healing.  I took my broken heart to the temple and felt healing and the purifying changing power of the atonement of God.  While I was at the Philadelphia temple, one of the sweet workers approached me to tell me that she just knew that the baby inside of me was a special baby.  And although she might say that to every pregnant lady she sees, it was exactly what I needed to hear.  God sends us what we need.  And having the faith to know that now is what has brought me peace, despite not having the answers to so many of my questions.  And that is what I have learned about faith.  Faith is what brings me peace during turbulent times.  Faith is what gets me through to the next day, the next hour, the next minute sometimes.

Now that 2017 is coming to a close, I have realized that I need to pick a new word for 2018.  I have actually been very tempted to reuse the word faith because I feel like it guided me perfectly through this last year.  I have decided, however, to go with a different word, but still related.  I have decided to go with TRUST.  Trust in God, trust that all things will work together for my good, trust that everything is going to work out like it should.

My goal for 2018 is also to be more diligent with blogging.  I made a goal to write more posts back in October, but as you see, I posted once and then it's been 2 months since then.  Merry Christmas everyone- and happy new year! I think I'm in the clear to not have a Christmas Day baby- wahoo! So now we wait....

Friday, October 6, 2017

Lessons from Hamilton

I will admit that in order for you to fully understand my post today, you need to be somewhat familiar with Hamilton.  And I don't mean Alexander Hamilton, the historical figure.  I mean Lin Manuel-Miranda's Hamilton from that crazy popular musical you have probably been listening to on repeat or have been saying that you should.  Or maybe you live under a rock? :)

Regardless, I think you can still get where I'm coming from if you aren't familiar with it.  I will strongly recommend at least listening to the song "It's Quiet Uptown," however, because that is where my thoughts have been for a long while now.  Especially this last week.  Mainly because I finally got around to listening to some of the remixes and Kelly Clarkson's version of this song is simply beautiful.  See the lyrics here.

I have yet to hear this song without getting teary.  Ok you caught me- without sobbing. For a little background- Alexander and Eliza (his wife) have just lost their oldest son in the aftermath of a very public scandalous affair between Hamilton and another woman.  Due to circumstances surrounding the scandal, Philip's death could be blamed on Hamilton, and I'm sure those feelings of resentment and loss are strong in Eliza's mind.  To get away from it all, they decide to move uptown- a very different change from their life in the limelight of politics and scandal.

Hamilton quickly realizes that uptown, it's much quieter.  And although his life up until this point has been incredibly fast paced, he gains an appreciation and even liking for the quiet he is able to experience as he reflects on his life.  He even starts going to church and finds himself praying, something he had never done before.  It is under these circumstances that we see a change in Hamilton- a change that I submit could not have happened without the quietness that uptown allows.  Sometimes I need to remember this.  I need to remove myself from my busy schedule, my addiction to my smart phone, my own thoughts even.  And I need to let myself be still.  Be still, pray, and be at peace.  Allow myself to reflect, refocus, and come to terms with changes that I need to make to be a happier and healthier me.  I need to recognize to look at where I am and where I started.  And embrace the heart break, joy, and everything in between that I've encountered along the way and appreciate that it has made me who I am today.

As Hamilton approaches Eliza to offer a sincere apology filled with incredible sorrow, he states that he's not afraid.  He has faith in his wife and that they as a couple have the tools to overcome and heal.  And I think his genuine remorse and willingness to apologize and face his wife- an unimaginable fete- gives him the strength and courage he needs to know that whatever Eliza chooses, everything is going to work out.

The true miracle comes when Eliza does the unimaginable and forgives him.  After all he has done, she takes his hand and forgives.  And that is what brings me to tears every. single. time.  How does she do it? I think Lin Manuel-Miranda is a genius and offers an explanation as to how she does it with his mind blowing lyrics.  The beginning of the song starts by saying that there is "suffering too horrible to name," which is what the Hamiltons have experienced.  But in the moment that Eliza reaches out to forgive, the song states that there is "grace too powerful to name." Although the suffering is too horrible, the grace is even more powerful and allows the miracle of forgiveness to occur.  What a beautiful lesson on allowing the grace of God to work within us and to do what we consider to be "unimaginable" and forgive.  How many times have I held onto a grudge? Have I resented a person for something insignificant? Or even significant? And how many of those times have I thought of accessing the grace of God to help me to forgive.  Not enough.  That's for sure.

The beginning of the song refers to the "unimaginable" being the horrible suffering they are both going through.  But it ends with the "unimaginable" being the miracle of the healing and forgiveness that they are both able to experience together as a couple.  And they have to live with both of these unimaginable circumstances.  And I'm sure living with the miracle of forgiveness is a much easier task, even though it does mean learning to live with a different dynamic in their relationship.

I hope that I can set fear aside whenever I mess up, whether big or small, and apologize and have faith that God (and whoever I have wronged) will have the grace to forgive me.  And to have the faith that healing and forgiveness are a much more significant power than the hurt and sorrow experienced by so many in this world.  And I hope that when I am wronged, I can have the grace to forgive because I too need that healing and the power of the miracles of God in my life.  We all do.


Friday, March 17, 2017

I can do hard things

I'm a freshman in high school- 14 or 15 years old, riding the school bus to school in the morning.  I'm looking out the window, deep in thought.  I'm thinking about life and God and my own spirituality.  And I think about trials and how we are promised that we will have great trials in life to the brink of breaking us and causing us to doubt our faith.  And I (naively) think to myself "Bring it on Satan, my faith is strong enough to withstand anything."

For some reason, I have held on to this seemingly insignificant memory for about 15 years now.  I had no idea what my life held in store for me at that moment, and yet I had the (audacity?) boldness to claim that my faith was strong enough to never break- no matter the circumstance.  I have often reflected on that moment and wondered to myself if I am as strong as I thought I was back then.  Would I still have said that knowing what I know now?

We just received the news this week that Ben did not match into a residency spot for the second year in a row.  Therefore- this week has been one of the hardest in my life to date.  We tried to scramble/soap into a spot and that also did not work out.  There were a lot of emotions between finding out the news and now- as you can imagine.  But I don't feel the need to talk about that. What I want to talk about is faith.  My word of the year- if you remember.

Last year when we didn't match, I felt my faith was shaken for the first time in my life.  I felt so sure that God was going to pull off a miracle and that we would match into a program and life would be great.  I was so convinced that it would happen that way and then when it didn't, I wasn't able to cope with that.  I questioned my faith and whether or not having faith even made a difference.  Do prayers really work? Does reading my scriptures even make a difference? Would anything have been different if I had been more or less faithful?

I have struggled with these questions for a year now and have continued to seek out what faith really means and does it really matter? Did I truly lose my faith? Where do I stand with God now? How do I move forward? And I think I did a pretty good job of convincing myself that my faith was gone and useless.

As the match this year grew closer I suddenly wanted to start earnestly praying again and reading my scriptures and seeking out the spirit.  It's funny how we do that when something hard is about to happen and we realize we need the Lord's help.  I was reading my scriptures every day, praying, seeking for inspiration at church, etc. And once again I convinced myself that everything was going to be ok and that we would match.

And yet, we didn't.  So I once again fell back into that trap of thinking that faith doesn't matter.  All of the prayers said on our behalf and by us didn't matter.  Reading my scriptures didn't matter.  Because it didn't get me the outcome that I thought we should get.  Fortunately that was a short lived thought and I prayed that night that God would help me to see his hand in this circumstance.  That I would realize that my faith does matter and that everything really is going to be ok.

And believe it or not, my prayers were answered.  I have seen God's hand in our lives through this week of hell.  And I know I wouldn't have been able to see it if I hadn't asked God for that.  (omg my prayers matter!) I was overwhelmed with peace and calmness yesterday and I realized that my faith wasn't broken after all.  And us not matching has taught me something about me.  I can do hard things. My faith can help me withstand anything.  And I needed this to happen so that I could learn this lesson for myself.  And God knew that I needed that.  After all of this, his hand is stretched out still.  Faith makes all of the difference because it changes me.

I am reminded of the story of Abraham, when he was asked to sacrifice his son.  God knew that Abraham would obey him and that he had the faith to choose God.  But Abraham didn't know that.  He needed to be tested to the brink of his strength to learn just how strong he really was.  He needed to learn just how faithful he truly was.  And God blessed him for it.  And he will bless me too.  It's important that we are aware of our own strength and there's really no other way to become aware of it than to put it to the test.

I listened to a song called "Blessings" on repeat yesterday.  I first heard this song about 2.5-3 years ago at Time Out For Women.  Here are some of the words:

We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for your mighty hand to ease our suffering
And all the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things.

Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops?
What if your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near?
What if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom, your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel you near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
And all the while, you hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

...

What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a great thirst this world can't satisfy?
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise?

I have faith that all things will together for my good.  And that His plan will be better than the one I have planned out for myself.  This has always been true in my life, so I know that it will continue to be true in the future.  

To answer some FAQ's- as of now we will be staying in Danville, doing another year of prelim general surgery at Geisinger and will apply for the match again next year.  That is at least the plan- you never know what God has in store for us.  Thank you to everyone who has prayed, fasted, gone to the temple, etc on our behalf.  We greatly appreciate it and have felt nothing but love and support during this hard time.  So many of our friends in Danville have been nothing short of Angels and I know that we are in the right place for now.  It's truly been a blessing to be here for the last year, so I can only imagine what blessings lie in store for us in the upcoming year.  

Thursday, January 5, 2017

Faith

Well it's 2017 and my last blog post is from June of last year.  I'm sure you are all really surprised by this.  Based on my facebook feed, 2016 seemed to be a rough year for everyone involved in society.  However, it was a really good year for me and my family.  I hope to make 2017 a great year as well.

So of course I've been thinking about resolutions and goals.  Who doesn't this time of year? Although I typically consider myself a cynical person, for some reason I still make resolutions every year and foresee that I will remain doing so for the years to come.  The key to goals is setting realistic goals, right? So I try and pick things that I know I will actually work on- even if I don't succeed 100%.  Last year was the first year that I chose to do a keyword for the year- which was "Embrace" and I really enjoyed using that word.

This year I want to do something similar and I have decided to go with the word "Faith." I want to explore the concept of faith and in particular how my faith can empower my life and enrich the life of my family.  We often hear the phrase (in the LDS world at least) that our "faith can move mountains." And I want to feel that power- that ability to move mountains.  As a way to focus on my faith, I have committed to reading the Book of Mormon every day this year (follow along +Bofm365 on Instagram).  Reading at a slower pace I think will be beneficial in truly devoting myself to God by pondering his words and finding themes of faith throughout.  I have already been pondering a verse in 1 Nephi- chapter 1 verse 20 which says "But behold, I Nephi, will show unto you that the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because of their faith, to make them mighty even unto the power of deliverance." The Lord will choose me because of my faith.  So my faith matters.  Which is what is motivating me to choose this word for the year.  I'm looking forward to furthering my understanding of Faith and hopefully using my blog discuss and analyze further.

All thoughts on faith are truly welcome- I hope you will join me through the comments section or through my social media.  Let's make 2017 a great year!!