A life lived in fear is a life half lived

The title of this post comes from one of my favorite movies- "Strictly Ballroom" and that quote is something I think of often. Because aren't we all confronted with fear on a constant basis? Maybe some more than others,  but I know I am.  Fear that things won't work out, fear that I will fail, fear that someone won't like me, fear that I'm not reaching my potential, etc. But it's what we do with that fear that defines us. At least I have found that in my life.  It's the times in my life that I have faced those fears head on and moved forward anyway that I have found the most happiness.

I often recall a life changing experience that I had at BYU. One of many, actually.  But I need to give a little background first.  I have always been painfully shy.  And trust me, it is painful. Warming up to people took a long time, making friends was super hard, and going to social events was very hard if I didn't know everyone there.  Sometimes making it so I wouldn't go even.  And this obviously impacted my experience at BYU once I left home.  Let's just say that moving out of my comfort zone across the country wasn't a fun experience.

I spent a few years at BYU, but never really felt like I fit in.  I felt lost, even.  Not only was I struggling socially, but I also had no idea what I was doing with my life and had no idea what to major in, what I was going to do after college, etc.  Typical problems people at that age go through.  So I felt inspired to ask my brother, Parker for a blessing when I saw him next.  He was a freshman at the University of Utah and lived 45 minutes away from me.  I thought it was kind of an odd prompting because my dad was actually going to be in town that weekend, and he would usually be my choice to get a blessing from. And Parker was only 18.  But I texted him anyway and asked if he could give me one when I saw him that weekend before we picked up my dad from the airport.

You guys.  This blessing literally changed my life.  I still to this day have the notes I took afterwards written down in my phone. It's a simple bullet point list, but I wanted to share it here:

I was given the ability to relate to all different types of people

I was blessed to be fearless against temptation

Reach out to the Lord, and He will do the same

Prayers will not be answered how I think they will be

My shyness and fear have inhibited my life and I can overcome this with the Lord's help

I just need to be myself

Remember that it's the Lord's timeline

My weaknesses can become strengths

And for some reason I had never thought of my shyness as a fear- but that's exactly what it is! And the antidote for fear is faith.  And thus started my journey towards conquering my weakness, shyness.  Or social anxiety, I have come to realize.  Was it easy? Absolutely not.  Not even a little bit.  But after that blessing, I felt equipped with the the tools to face my fears and I knew that I had the Lord by my side.  And as I'm reading this list again today, it's crazy how they still apply to me 8 years later. And probably always will.  I had been praying and praying to be able to figure out what to do with my life, and the answer I got was to conquer my fear/shyness.  And it's exactly what I needed because conquering that fear opened so many doors to me.  It's a coping skill that I needed to have a successful life in general.  

Conquering that fear opened me up to a life I didn't know I could have.  A full life.  And it just made me realize that what God promises us is true.  "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness.  I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." (Ether 12:27)

I still smile with gratitude towards God every time I tell a new friend I have made in Danville that I consider myself a shy person (it's hard to shake something you identify yourself as sometimes) and they are completely surprised and can't believe that I think that.  I just thank God that my weakness became strong through a long process, but a worthwhile process.  That's what the atonement has done for me.  One of the many things.  And I'm just so grateful that God is so good.  It gives me hope that my other weaknesses will also eventually become strengths. 

Momming so hard

I'm writing this post today more as an accountability post for myself.  I've been thinking a lot lately about goals.  Ben gave me a journal for Valentine's Day that's kind of like a bullet journal- only the prompts and stuff are already in the journal and it's centered around making and accomplishing goals.  And I've been struggling to even come up with goals because being an at home mom often feels so mundane and monotonous.  I feel like when I was single or even married and working, it was much easier for me to set goals and then outline the necessary steps to achieve them.  Like getting a bachelors degree or getting a promotion.  But now that I'm at home, changing diapers and doing dishes and laundry all day every day, I often feel like I don't have any goals left in me to achieve.  Like ok- raise my kids? Make sure they make it into adulthood? What does that even look like and how do I make concrete goals to achieve that?

So I decided I need to look at being a mom like a job (yes I  know it's a job, I'm just saying...) and set some goals to become a better mom.  Because it's always good to try and be better.  I need to put my God given talents to use by putting my all into being a mom.  I have often felt lately like I have all of this potential and talent and yet it's wasted because I don't do anything but change diapers and (sometimes) clean my house.  But that's not true.

So I have thought to myself- what are my strengths? And how can I translate that into becoming a better mother/wife/member of my church congregation/resident of my neighborhood/ etc?

I am creative - I can come up with fun things for Flint (and eventually Dorothy) for me to do together.  Crafts, imaginary play, fort building. It will create fun memories for me and my kids, it will strengthen my bond with them, and it will build their imaginations and minds.

I am smart - I can teach my children to love learning and about the world around them.  I can teach them the truth about things.  I can help them in their educational goals and bond with the while doing so.  I can continue learning to keep my mind sharp, even though I am not attending a school anymore.

I am faithful - I can testify of my love of the Savior and of my knowledge of the truthfulness of the gospel to my children and husband and friends.  I can share goodness and help my children develop their own testimonies of the Savior and his gospel.  I can dedicate myself to having a good thought out Family Home Evening each week to increase our bond as a family.

I am brave- I can show my children that I'm not afraid to do hard things.  I can talk to them and be open about things I go through that are hard, but that I do anyway and become better for them. I can talk with my children about the things they find hard that they are confronted with in their lives.

And the list can go on.  And if I'm not good at something, I can get better at it, which will benefit not only myself, but my family as well.  One thing I want to be better at is being healthy by taking care of my body by eating well and being more active.  By having an active family, we will grow closer together and feel better both mentally and physically.  In general, healthy people are happy people.

So I've realized I just need to change my mindset about this momming thing.  I can still use my many talents, just not in the way I used to use them.  And that is definitely a goal worth setting and achieving.  

Lessons from Moana

You might remember my post about lessons from Hamilton.  Well to continue with my Lin-Manuel Miranda fandom, I have another one for you concerning Moana.  And I have seen this movie a lot.  It used to be the only movie that Flint would sit through the entire thing.  And there are actually a lot of lessons to be learned from Moana, but I'd like to focus on one in particular today.

Moana has set off on her journey across the ocean to find Maui.  Through a series of events, she ends up with her boat capsized and feels helpless.  She calls to the ocean, screaming, "Help me!" As opposed to getting the help she was hoping for from the ocean, she is approached by big dark storm clouds and thunderous waves.  She and her boat go through a collasal storm and then she finds her self on an unknown island.  Even though she is angry with the ocean and yells and screams in frustrations, it turns out, however, that she was on the exact island she needed to be on to find Maui and go about her journey.

So the ocean did help her.  Yes, she had to go through a horrible storm, but it was through that storm that she was able to accomplish the thing she so desperately wanted.  Hmmmm.... you mean I have to like do hard things to get what I want sometimes? You mean maybe the ocean (metaphorically God) knows it was hard, but also knows that it takes us to where we want to be? Or makes us into who we want to become? Dang.  But doing hard things, is, well, hard!

As I've thought about this concept, I have realized that it has applied a lot throughout my life.  I particularly think about one of the most embarrassing days of my life.  Not embarrassing in the funny way.  Or maybe not enough time has passed for me to find it funny... Anyway.  I studied abroad in Jerusalem for a semester and part of the semester, we spent an extended weekend in the country Jordan.  So of course during that weekend we went to see Petra.  And boy was it amazing! To see one of the cool buildings, however,  you have to climb a million stairs to get to it.  At this time in my life, I was soooo out of shape.  I never exercised, I didn't try and eat healthy, and I was at one of the heaviest weights of my life.  So take all of that into consideration and you can imagine that climbing a million stairs, was, well, horrible.  The reason it was embarrassing though was because we had to be in groups of 3 or more at all times, so since I was so out shape, I slowed all of the people I was with down considerably because none of them seemed to be having the difficulty I was with getting up these stairs.  Even the senior missionary couple had an easier time getting up those stairs.  So I was so so embarrassed and humiliated.  BUT.  I did it.  And I made it up those stairs (wanting to die at the end throughout the entire time.) And I got to see this:

Pretty cool eh? Yes, I'm sporting an Indian Jones hat and holding a whip :) And although I will admit that it took me a while to appreciate it since I could barely breath, I am glad I did it.  Not a lot of people can say they've been to Petra.  And I consider myself lucky to be able to have seen this.  Not only did climbing those stairs help me achieve something cool that day, but it was also a starting point on my health journey in general.  I lost 50 lbs after this picture so that climb up the stairs helped me in more ways than I ever thought :)

There are lots of other instances of going through something hard to achieve something great in my life.  And so I have to trust that anything I go through now that is hard will also be for my good.  God does promise that all things will work together for our good.  So maybe the last 3 years of intense stress about Ben's job and matching is going to be for my good.  And God will put me right where I'm supposed to be, just like the ocean did with Moana. And just like he always will.  

S.M.I.L.E.

I remember when I was 18, I went to attend my final youth conference before heading out to BYU.  When my friends and I got to the church, we got our shirts only to realize that they were literally the worst event t shirts we had ever seen.  Neon green (first red flag) with "You'd smile, too" on the front in a comic sans font (major second red flag) and "if you knew what I knew" written on the back in black. And that was it.  No pictures, no graphics, not even a mention of what this shirt was for, or what year it was, or anything.  And of course we all made fun of the comma on the front that seemed just so out of place.  I remember my brother in particular saying "You'd smile (insert long dramatic pause), too...if you knew what I knew." Oddly enough though, it is this shirt out of all of my youth conference shirts over the years that I remember the most.  It turned out to be one of the better conferences, despite the horrible shirts.

So why am I bringing this up? I have found myself thinking of the theme of this conference a lot recently, and in fact have thought of it often throughout my life in general.  The theme was actually an acronym- S.M.I.L.E which was in reference to "to be Spiritually Minded Is Life Eternal"- found in 2 Nephi 9:39.

I have felt that motherhood has put my brain in a fog.  As in my pregnant brain from my first pregnancy just never quite left- haha.  And I have found it very hard to stay connected with God.  In fact, I have often felt very distant from him in the last 3 years.  And I have found myself asking why. Why was I able to feel so close to God before children? What changed?  And after pondering this, I realized that my thoughts have not been turned to God like they once were- mainly due to a lack of focus.  Which to give myself some credit, having children makes it really hard to keep up the habits you once had before them.  Such as reading scriptures, praying, journaling, etc.

Another thing that has struck me is the rise in the amount of time I spend on social media.  It was so much easier to focus on God and my spirituality before Instagram existed.  And when I had a job which kept me focused on something productive during the day.  But once I made the decision to stay home with my children, it became so much easier to spend an inordinate amount of time on my phone.  And I have realized that my mind hasn't been focused on spiritual things, which makes it super hard to connect with God or feel close to him.

So I have been really focusing on doing spiritual things every single day in hopes to make myself more "spiritually minded." I will admit that at first, I felt no different.  And I even had trouble focusing on what I was even reading.  But as I have stayed consistent with reading general conference talks, reading my scriptures, and saying genuine prayers, all of the sudden I feel myself thinking spiritual thoughts more often, and in turn, I have felt happier.  And of course writing is the biggest thing for me.  Which is why I committed to write a blog post once a week.  But I've also been writing in my journal and actually writing out my prayers.  If you find yourself falling asleep at night trying to pray or saying the same sentence over and over because you can't focus due to drifting thoughts of fatigue, I highly suggest the writing out your prayers method.  I have been doing this for years now and it is a life changer.  No, I have not written all of my prayers out for years.  But every time I feel my prayers turning insincere or if I am having trouble staying awake, writing them down has gotten me back into a good habit.

As I've done these things, it has been much easier to find God in my every day life, which has made a huge difference in me and in my family.  So I guess what I'm saying is that I'm glad we had to wear those awful shifts over 10 years ago :) And it gives me hope that maybe I'm making a bigger difference with the youth than I think I am. (I am with the Young Women at church right now).  If I still think about things from when I was a youth, then maybe whatever I'm teaching them now will make them think 10 years from now. Maybe? Youth are hard to read I have learned :)

PS Thank you to all who have reached out after my last post.  Turns out Dorothy is NOT colic- praise the Lord. And she just had a couple of rough days.  But she (and I) are doing MUCH better.  She even has been sleeping every night! Game changer.  No, things aren't perfect, or even easy, but as February 1 hit yesterday, I thought to myself "wow I survived the first month." And there was something very freeing and strengthening about that thought.  Here's to surviving the next month!