S.M.I.L.E.

I remember when I was 18, I went to attend my final youth conference before heading out to BYU.  When my friends and I got to the church, we got our shirts only to realize that they were literally the worst event t shirts we had ever seen.  Neon green (first red flag) with "You'd smile, too" on the front in a comic sans font (major second red flag) and "if you knew what I knew" written on the back in black. And that was it.  No pictures, no graphics, not even a mention of what this shirt was for, or what year it was, or anything.  And of course we all made fun of the comma on the front that seemed just so out of place.  I remember my brother in particular saying "You'd smile (insert long dramatic pause), too...if you knew what I knew." Oddly enough though, it is this shirt out of all of my youth conference shirts over the years that I remember the most.  It turned out to be one of the better conferences, despite the horrible shirts.

So why am I bringing this up? I have found myself thinking of the theme of this conference a lot recently, and in fact have thought of it often throughout my life in general.  The theme was actually an acronym- S.M.I.L.E which was in reference to "to be Spiritually Minded Is Life Eternal"- found in 2 Nephi 9:39.

I have felt that motherhood has put my brain in a fog.  As in my pregnant brain from my first pregnancy just never quite left- haha.  And I have found it very hard to stay connected with God.  In fact, I have often felt very distant from him in the last 3 years.  And I have found myself asking why. Why was I able to feel so close to God before children? What changed?  And after pondering this, I realized that my thoughts have not been turned to God like they once were- mainly due to a lack of focus.  Which to give myself some credit, having children makes it really hard to keep up the habits you once had before them.  Such as reading scriptures, praying, journaling, etc.

Another thing that has struck me is the rise in the amount of time I spend on social media.  It was so much easier to focus on God and my spirituality before Instagram existed.  And when I had a job which kept me focused on something productive during the day.  But once I made the decision to stay home with my children, it became so much easier to spend an inordinate amount of time on my phone.  And I have realized that my mind hasn't been focused on spiritual things, which makes it super hard to connect with God or feel close to him.

So I have been really focusing on doing spiritual things every single day in hopes to make myself more "spiritually minded." I will admit that at first, I felt no different.  And I even had trouble focusing on what I was even reading.  But as I have stayed consistent with reading general conference talks, reading my scriptures, and saying genuine prayers, all of the sudden I feel myself thinking spiritual thoughts more often, and in turn, I have felt happier.  And of course writing is the biggest thing for me.  Which is why I committed to write a blog post once a week.  But I've also been writing in my journal and actually writing out my prayers.  If you find yourself falling asleep at night trying to pray or saying the same sentence over and over because you can't focus due to drifting thoughts of fatigue, I highly suggest the writing out your prayers method.  I have been doing this for years now and it is a life changer.  No, I have not written all of my prayers out for years.  But every time I feel my prayers turning insincere or if I am having trouble staying awake, writing them down has gotten me back into a good habit.

As I've done these things, it has been much easier to find God in my every day life, which has made a huge difference in me and in my family.  So I guess what I'm saying is that I'm glad we had to wear those awful shifts over 10 years ago :) And it gives me hope that maybe I'm making a bigger difference with the youth than I think I am. (I am with the Young Women at church right now).  If I still think about things from when I was a youth, then maybe whatever I'm teaching them now will make them think 10 years from now. Maybe? Youth are hard to read I have learned :)

PS Thank you to all who have reached out after my last post.  Turns out Dorothy is NOT colic- praise the Lord. And she just had a couple of rough days.  But she (and I) are doing MUCH better.  She even has been sleeping every night! Game changer.  No, things aren't perfect, or even easy, but as February 1 hit yesterday, I thought to myself "wow I survived the first month." And there was something very freeing and strengthening about that thought.  Here's to surviving the next month!