Slightly early end of year wrap up

Honestly, 2017 has been one of my harder years.  And yet, I can genuinely say that I am a better person for having gone through it. As many of you know, my word for the year was faith. And although I don't feel like I understand as fully as I would like to, the lessons I have learned regarding the topic have been invaluable to me.

As I sit here, waiting for baby #2 to arrive (thus the reason for the early posting), I can't help but be grateful for the change that God has created in me.  And it's my faith that allowed that to happen.  I had to let him in and allow him to change my heart and to create a new attitude that I didn't think I was capable of having.  I have found myself in bitterness and despair during this pregnancy and then feeling guilty for having those thoughts in the first place.  And the cycle continues.  I have not shared this with everyone, but feel bound to do so as I write this post.  When I first found out I was pregnant and I went in for my first ultrasound, we received the most surprising (but not that surprising? ask me later...) and exciting news that I was having twins! As I watched Ben's jaw hit the floor, I felt nervous/excited/all the things.  How was I going to do this? How am I going to go from 1 baby to 3 when I was already scared out of my mind to bump it up to 2? Does God know that my husband works as much as he does? That I spend a majority of my time alone as a single parent?

For the next 12 weeks, I prayed and prayed and prayed for the safety of my twins, and with each ultrasound felt more at peace that God knew what he was doing and that twins really were in the plan for me, despite my fear.  I submitted my will to God, even though I was terrified of miscarrying.  At my 12 week appointment, however, I received the news that one of the babies didn't make it.  I could not believe it, and sometimes I still can't.  After hours of verifying, and reverifying with different doctors, I went home to deal with my new reality.  I had spent so much time getting myself to accept that two babies were coming and now had to do the opposite.  Was this really God's plan for me? Couldn't he have given me a heads up or something? Why did I feel peace prior to this new knowledge and then have this happen?

I will admit to you that I don't have the answers to those questions, and maybe I never will.  I can't describe to you what it feels like to simultaneously miscarry and still be pregnant at the same time.  I still haven't quite wrapped my mind around it.  As much as I would tell myself that I need to be grateful for the baby I have, thoughts of "but there are supposed to be two of them" creeped into my mind daily.  And honestly, those thoughts have not fully left, even though I am due any day now.

But back to faith.  I let myself be sad for a while.  What else could I do? But I quickly (quickly may be an exaggeration) realized that I needed to reach out to my Savior.  I needed to exercise faith in him, once again.  I needed to cast my burdens on the Lord.  As I slowly started doing this, the little seed of faith that I put forth slowly started growing, and my heart was able to change, just as the Lord promises.  Although I have been bitter about having a baby around Christmas time, somehow with the Christmas season, I have felt more peace than I thought possible as I have considered my connection with Mary, the mother of Christ, who was also pregnant during Christmas. I have spoken with amazing friends about the many wonderful things about being pregnant during this crazy season. I've learned to just say no to all of the craziness and that has allowed me to really focus on the savior this season in a way that I never have been able to before.  And once again, I have realized that the Lord knew exactly what He was doing when he decided to send me a baby girl at this exact time of year.  As I've prayed, I have kept thinking "this baby is coming to heal your heart." And although I have not met her yet, I feel that this is true.

I live 3 hours from a temple, so am not able to go often.  By some miracle, however, I was able to go two weeks in a row in November and I remembered once again something that my mother in law always tells me.  The temple is a place of healing.  I took my broken heart to the temple and felt healing and the purifying changing power of the atonement of God.  While I was at the Philadelphia temple, one of the sweet workers approached me to tell me that she just knew that the baby inside of me was a special baby.  And although she might say that to every pregnant lady she sees, it was exactly what I needed to hear.  God sends us what we need.  And having the faith to know that now is what has brought me peace, despite not having the answers to so many of my questions.  And that is what I have learned about faith.  Faith is what brings me peace during turbulent times.  Faith is what gets me through to the next day, the next hour, the next minute sometimes.

Now that 2017 is coming to a close, I have realized that I need to pick a new word for 2018.  I have actually been very tempted to reuse the word faith because I feel like it guided me perfectly through this last year.  I have decided, however, to go with a different word, but still related.  I have decided to go with TRUST.  Trust in God, trust that all things will work together for my good, trust that everything is going to work out like it should.

My goal for 2018 is also to be more diligent with blogging.  I made a goal to write more posts back in October, but as you see, I posted once and then it's been 2 months since then.  Merry Christmas everyone- and happy new year! I think I'm in the clear to not have a Christmas Day baby- wahoo! So now we wait....