I Stand All Amazed

Ok let me first say that I wrote this huge long post and then the blogger freaked out and I lost it all!!! I am a little frustrated, but I am going to just rewrite it I guess because I can't leave my readers hanging! (All 3 of them... haha)  So last weekend was my roommate Michelle's birthday, so we celebrated pretty much all weekend.  On Friday night, Heidi and I took Michelle to Chili's for dinner.  Hilary was unable to join us because she went home for the weekend for her dad's birthday.  Afterwards we went to a flag football game and then out for frozen yogurt.  Saturday I worked and then we went to a ward activity, which was a bonfire with other activities such as carving pumpkins, watching a movie etc.  It was a good time.  Once we got back home Heidi baked Michelle a cake and then we watched a movie.  My original post had a much more detailed description of my weekend, but this will just have to do because I can't really remember what exactly I wrote.  

Sunday was an absolutely wonderful day.  My meetings before church were so productive and went very smoothly.  For the first time I felt a calm feeling about my job as the relief society president and I didn't feel so ridiculously inadequete, like I usually do.  I know the Lord has been building me up this whole time so I could eventually get to this point and then do an even better job.  Church itself was so fabulous.  Sacrament meeting had excellent talks that were based on talks given in general conference, so of course they were great.  Then for Sunday school I go to mission prep, mostly because my roommate teaches it and because the class is a lot smaller than gospel doctrine.  Going on a mission is still kind of on my mind, so we'll see what happens.  But the lesson was so great.  Heidi taught it on how we can use the Book of Mormon to answer "questions of the soul" (i.e. Where did we come from? Is there a God? Why do we go through trials?)  I felt the spirit so strongly and it was just a huge reminder to me of the sweet truth of the Book of Mormon and how important it is.  I've been so busy reading everything but the Book of Mormon, that it has kind of been lost in the back drop of my life.  I'm in a Pearl of Great Price class right now, so I'm reading that, and then I have my own personal goal to read the Old Testament, so I haven't had much time to read the Book of Mormon.  I guess I should rephrase that.  I haven't made the time to read it.  But I was so grateful to be reminded of that in the lesson.  Then in relief society the lesson was on our relationships with our families.  The manual just had a bunch of letters that the prophet Joseph Smith had written to his family.  Through those letters we can learn how to have better relationships with our family and to truly cherish each person that we are related to.  It just reminded me of how blessed I am to have such a wonderful family.  I am very close to both of my parents and both of my brothers.  It is such a blessing because I know that a lot of people in the world do not have such healthy relationships with their family.  

After church my roommates and I went over the Michelle's sister's house to have dinner for her actual birthday.  It was a delicious meal and we had a lot of fun.  When we got home, my visiting teachers came over.  I was very grateful for this because I haven't really had visiting teachers since I've been out at BYU.  They are wonderful girls and showed sincere interest in my life, which is what visiting teaching is all about!  I was also very encouraged because they told me that I was going a good job as relief society president.  Yes, this was a small little thing to say but it meant a lot to hear that from someone that isn't my roommate or a member of the bishopric, since they see all of the work I do up front.  

I entitled my post today "I Stand All Amazed" for a few reasons.  First, I am just extremely overwhelmed by how much the Lord has blessed me with a wonderful family, friends, ward, classes, etc.  I almost feel undeserving of all of the many things the Lord has given me, especially since I have made my fair share of mistakes in my life.  I am always amazed that no matter how much I mess up, the Lord is always still there for me with open arms, just waiting for me to let Him make me whole again.  Second, I have continually been reminded of a scripture in Alma for the past few weeks.  It says that "all tings denote there is a God; yea, even the earth, and all things that are upon the face of it" (30:44)  As I walk to class I am amazed at the extreme beauty of everything around me.  Whether it be the red autumn leaves, the blue sky above, the sun shining down, warming my skin, or the majestic snow capped mountains standing tall right next to BYU.  The Lord's creations are so wonderful and I feel blessed to be constantly surrounded by them.  They truly denote that He is there, looking down upon all of us and that He loves us a whole beautiful earth's worth and then some.  

The final reason I would like to discuss is a matter that has been on my mind for a little over a month now and will continue to be on my mind for quite some time now.  A very dear family friend found out a little over a month ago that she has a brain tumor and it is pretty much inoperable.  When I first found this out, I was just in shock and couldn't believe that this was happening to her, the mother of 4 boys who are also very dear to me.  Her name is Michelle and she also has a blog that she uses to describe her journey through this hard time.  As I read her blog I am truly humbled to see how she is dealing with this.  She could have totally been angry at God for giving her such a hard trial or just simply thought that there wasn't a God at all, but instead she has found God in every aspect of her life as she battles through this.  I am so amazed at how positive she remains and how much stronger her testimony has become, which strengthens mine as well.  I am just simply impressed.  She is such a wonderful person and I always enjoy visiting her when I go home for breaks in between semesters.  She is so friendly, interested in others, and loving towards everyone she meets.  I am very saddened by this terrible news, but I am also very blessed to have known such an amazing person.  It just shows me that the worst of things happen to the best of people, and life still goes on.  

I stand all amazed at the many wonderful blessings that my calling have given me.  I stand all amazed at the beauty I am surrounded with on a dailiy basis.  I stand all amazed that I have people that love me unconditionally.  I stand all amazed that the Lord's hand is ever stretched forth to help me, if I will just let Him.

I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me. Confused at the grace that so fully He proffers me.  I tremble to know that for me He was crucified, that for me, a sinner, He suffered, He bled, and died.  Oh it is wonderful, that He should care for me, enough to die for me.  Oh it is wonderful, wonderful to me.  (1st verse of ''I Stand All Amazed")

Goings On

Ok due to a demand for more pictures, I will try and include more pictures.  I will warn you, however, that I've been absolutely terrible with taking pictures this semester.  I need to repent and do better, so hopefully that'll happen.  I did take a few pictures this past weekend though, and this is one of them.  This is me and two of my roommates (Heidi and Michelle) at a bonfire that we went to this past weekend.  My friend Alex from St. Louis was having a bonfire in the canyon, so I brought my roommates.  It was pretty fun, and the weather was chilly, so perfect for a bonfire.  After the bonfire, we all headed home, where our other roommate, Hilary, was and we watched a movie.  It was a pretty good Friday night.  Then on Saturday I worked all day and then prepared for Sunday that evening.  My Saturdays are never really that exciting because I spend all of it either working or preparing for Sunday, which is always the busiest day of the week.  But I don't mind, because I actually enjoy it.

So my current goal of the week is to not spend too much money.  I'm so amazing terrible with money, and I really want to get better at it.  I have a full time job, so I make decent money, but I always seem to spend the same amount that I make in a 2 week period.  So I have enough money, but at the same time, I'm not saving any money, which is not a good thing.  So I'm trying to build my savings back up.  Plus with the current state of the economy, it's definitely a good idea to have money saved up.  So far, I think I've done pretty good with my goal to not spend money.  Yes I have spent a little bit of money, but not as much as I would normally spend.  I keep wanting to go shopping and buy new shoes or clothes, but I really don't need those things, and I have to constantly keep reminding myself of that so that I won't spend the money, even though I technically have it.  My desire to save also ties into my desire to live a simpler life once again.  I need to be grateful for all of the things I have, and cure my desire to always want more.  And if I don't want more, then I won't buy more! It all works out, if I can just do it.  

Well the elections are coming up, and I'm still really undecided as to who I want to vote for.  I used to be sucha huge Obama fan and I was positive that I was going to vote for him.  And I'm really not that big of a fan of McCain, but I really like his VP, Sarah Palin.  Plus once the campaigns really get going, then I always seem to kind of lose faith in both candidates and it turns into choosing the lesser of two evils instead of choosing someone that you really like.  I know a lot of people think that I am pretty conservative, because often times mormons seem that way.  (Or are that way.)  And in St. Louis, yes I was considered to be pretty conservative because everyone else around me seemed to be so liberal.  But out here in Utah it seems to be quite the opposite.  I'm not extremely liberal, but relatively, it does seem that way.  That's why I really consider myself to be moderate because my political beliefs have things in common with both the democratic and republican party.  I think both parties have good ideals, but putting them into practice is always the hard part.  I could go on and on about what my stances are on the various political topics, but that's way to complicated and would take too long, so I'll spare everyone.  :)  If you are curious, however, you can just ask, and maybe I'll consider writing a post on it.  I think that's all I've got for today, so until next time!

The Small Things in Life

In my effort to start living a simpler life and really enjoying the journey, I have decided that a good dose of gratitude for the small things is exactly what I need.  And where is a better place to express appreciation than on a blog, right??  What I'd like to do is to think of 10 small instances that have happened to me in the past month or so, or maybe just since school has started that I failed to realize were a true blessing, and acknowledge them, mainly just for my own sake, and you are the lucky person that gets to read about them.  

1. The other day my little brother Parker called me out of nowhere just to talk! When I say little I really mean a 6 foot 3 17 year old, but he's still little to me!  It was such a blessing to me to be able to talk to my busy brother, especially when he's the one that made the first contact!

2. I have quite a few friends that are out on missions right now, and it is always such a joy to receive a letter from any of them in the mail! I have probably received 5 letters from different people in the past 3 weeks, and it has been so great.

3. We had cleaning checks in our apartments yesterday and it was a really busy day for me because I had class then work until midnight, and the checks were going to occur while I was at work.  So I didn't find the time to vaccuum my room, but then when I got home from work, I saw that one of my roommates had vaccuumed for me!  Luckily, we all passed the check!

4. I wrote in my journal last night, and it had been about a month since I had written.  Time is moving so fast that I found it really hard to find the time to write this past month.  So needless to say, it was a very long entry, and I got all of my fears, thoughts, trials out on paper, and wow was it therapeutic.  I just feel so much lighter today and a lot less stressed and I know it's because I had the opportunity to write in my journal.  Don't worry though, I will not slack again, I've already written in it again today! haha (Those of you who know me really well will understand my journal obsession).

5. I already mentioned this in my last blog, but listening to conference this past weekend was such a true blessing.  It is so amazing that we have a living prophet of God on the earth today, and have the opportunity to listen to his words twice a year.  I am so blessed to have the knowledge that I do and I have truly been blessed with the desire to change and make my life better, which I can do by following the counsel that I received this past weekend.

6. A few days ago, I had the opportunity to go to dinner with a new girl I met from the ward.  I have had such a struggle with making new friends out at BYU, that it was so awesome to be able to start a new friendship and enjoy her company.  I'm sure we will become much better friends over the semester.

7. I am attending a mission prep class right now at BYU, and even though I'm not entirely sure on whether or not I want to serve a mission, this class has been absolutely amazing.  My teacher, Prof. Bott really knows what he is talking about, and he's such a humble man that teaches with such power that is is so awesome.  I learn so much every time I am in that class, and that's how classes should be! I am truly uplifted every time I go, and have been truly blessed to be able to become a part of it. 

8. The past few months have been probably the hardest trials I have ever gone through, and the darkest time in my life.  I kept praying to Heavenly Father and yet I felt so alone and abandoned by Him.  In retrospect, I was the one who abandoned him, but that can wait for another blog entry.  Everything has been going so well this semester with school, work, and my calling that it has just been reminder after reminder after reminder that Heavenly Father is aware of me and loves me enough to pay so much attention to me out of his billions and billions of creations. 

9.  A few years ago I made this CD with "Spooky Tunes" on it for Halloween.  I just remembered that I had it today so I popped it into my CD player in my car and have been listening to it here and there all day, and it has just made me smile! It's quite the good mix, I must admit.  You can ask me what's on it, if you are really curious. :)

10. And for my final "small" thing of the month, this past Monday, we had FHE and it turned out to be a lot of fun.  Our group is a lot of fun and I really enjoy interacting with everyone in it.  We had a short lesson and played a few games, and it was a really good evening.  

Well there you have it folks!! I really wanted to mix it up by showing the Lord's hand in my life, even in the small things, and just small things in general that bring a smile to my face.  I want to do this more often because recognizing these things in my life can make me a happier person.  Maybe you should try it too!  Well I think that's all I've got to say for now, so later!

Thoughts on Happiness

Man, I feel like I'm so behind with all of my blogging, having only one (I guess 2 now). But you gotta start somewhere, right? So this past weekend was conference weekend.  I actually had tickets for the conference center in Salt Lake for Saturday morning and Sunday afternoon, but it just never quite seemed to work out going up there or anything, so I actually ended up going to Logan to visit my aunt and uncle for the weekend, with my other aunt and her family that lives in Pleasant Grove.  Yes, I was a little disappointed that I couldn't go to Salt Lake, but it ended up being a really awesome weekend.  My aunt in Logan is a hair stylist, so she did my hair, and we did nails, went shopping, watched conference, etc.  What more could you ask for, right?

So conference was so wonderful, of course.  But a large part of that is because I really prepared myself for it this time, and wow what a difference it makes!  I found a common theme in all of the talks, which was a message of hope even when times are tough.  It's always so comforting for me to know that even general authorities go through hard times, and that they need to hear messages of hope just as much as I do.  I felt so uplifted and encouraged.  One of the talks mentioned that we need to live simpler lives, and be happier with what we have and express gratitude for all of our many blessings.  Then in my aunts house, they had a quote displayinig that said "Happiness is not having what you want, it's wanting what you have."  I have had this thought occur to me multiple times over the past month or so, and I really believe that it is SO true.  Living a simple life makes you realize that the most important things in life aren't for sale.  As long as you have the necessities of life, and people that love you, life is good.  And fortunately, I have been blessed with a lot of those.  

My thoughts don't stop at pondering the secret to happiness, however.  With happiness, I have thought a lot lately about the key to being miserable as well.  I have decided that a main thing to being unhappy is selfishness.  I think this because having happy, healthy relationships is SO important, and succeeding in this leads to such joy.  And being selfish is pretty much the number one thing that prevents people from having happy healthy relationships.  Remember, this is just my opinion, so of course some may disagree (but they'd be wrong of course ;) ).  When people are selfish, friendships can't flourish, marriages can't succeed, family ties are strained, etc.  I think we're getting the point here.  I just think that when you're in a relationship, whether it be with a friend, husband, wife, child, or sibling, love is a key factor.  For me, love means that the other person's well-being is a higher priority than your own.  And of course, the other person would think that your well-being is more important than theirs.  That's how it really should work, and is a lot harder to do than just saying it, of course.  If both of you are on the same page though, everything would be amazing, right?  Obviously I am not perfect at this, and most people aren't because most of us by nature are selfish beings and have to work to think of others before ourselves.  

Since no one is perfect at this, forgiveness is also an important factor.  This can be so amazingly hard (at least for me!), which of course means its all that more important!  As much as I'd like to discuss my thoughts on forgivness, I want to keep my blogs on a somewhat short and sweet status, so I think I'm done for the day.  If you can't tell, this blog is more about how I think and feel about things rather than what I actually do, but I'll try and throw a little of that in every once in a while.  So until next time!!

So much on my mind...

Wow, ok, so this whole blogging thing has finally got the better of me.  Everyone else seems to be doing it, so I decided I would join!  It's a little intimidating because I don't really know where to begin or how to start, so I guess I'll just try to start from where I am today.  

I'm sitting here in my apartment, just thinking about everything, and realizing that I haven't had a moment of having a clear head for such a long time that it's actually kind of ridiculous.  I guess that's normal for some, if not most people, but this whole growing up thing is kinda weird for me because I'm so used to being care free and not having to worry about things that really truly matter (even though as a teenager I guess I thought things were important that really weren't).  Ha - I say that like it was SO long ago.... I'm only 20.... almost 21 though! I feel like the older I get though, the more weight I have to take on, and the more I ultimately have to worry about.  So the point of this entry is just to sort out all of the things I think about, minus the few things that aren't appropriate for an internet blog.  

First, there's that huge thing to think about called school!  I've changed my major 3 times now, and now I've finally decided on a history teaching major.  Although I am really enjoying my history classes, for the most part, I still wonder if this is really what I'm supposed to be doing.  I'm becoming slowly more sure of it, but there is still that doubt, you know?  My dad gave me a blessing before school started that said as this year went by I would feel more and more confident that I chose the right major to study, and I guess so far that has been true, so I just need to trust it.  I have always been against the whole teaching thing, because I always thought it was such a cop out major (no offense to all those teachers out there!) and I was resisting and resisting what I knew I was meant to do.  I'm almost a little ashamed to tell people what my major is because my whole life I've said that I wasn't going to be a teacher... but hey here I am eating my words because that's what I'm going to be doing.  I think it's a wise decision nonetheless, and I feel good about it, even though there's a little part of me that is resisting it.  

I'm also working full time while going to school full time this year, which has actually been a blessing in disguise.  Yes, I am pretty much the busiest I have ever been, and I don't usually like being busy, but the more I get used to it, the more I realize that I kind of like it because I am so much more productive and get things done.  And I find I am happiest when I am being productive.  I work with mentally handicapped adults in their home.  There are 4 guys living there, Greg, Kurt, Scott, and Brian.  I just help them do things that they can't do for themselves, like giving them meds, cooking, cleaning, and taking them out to do activities around Provo.  It tries my patience at times, but overall it's been a really good job.  I work 3-midnight, and they all go to bed at like 8, so I have those 4 hours to do homework, or just have time to myself, which is always nice.  And I'm more likely to do my homework at work, than at home because I'd get distracted with other things.  So there's the blessing.  Being this busy has also caused time to move ridiculously fast.  I canNOT believe its already October, I know so many people say that, but I feel like I can't even keep up with it all sometimes.  

On top of this amazingly busy schedule, I was called as the relief society president of my ward this year.  This has been such an interesting experience for me.  What's weird is that I thought I knew how I'd react if I got called to this weighty calling, but my reaction was nothing like I expected.  Watching myself go through this has been almost an out of body experience because it has showed me how much I've changed in the past few year, being in college and all...  Let's see, one word to describe my reaction? Scared.  And that's only the tip of the iceburg.  I got called like the 2nd or 3rd day of school, and then wasn't sustained until 2 weeks later, so I couldn't tell anyone outside of my family and roommates.  During those 2 weeks I felt so overwhelmed with fear that I wouldn't be able to do this, that my shyness was going to prevent me from doing what I needed to do, etc.  I lay awake at night, not being able to sleep night after night after night.  I couldn't turn my brain off. Everyone that knew seemed to have such faith in me, and yet I found it hard to find the faith to believe in myself.  The first Sunday that they announced it was probably one of the scariest things I've ever done.  This may sound stupid to some people, but I was literally shaking because I was so nervous.  Don't worry though, this story ends happily, now that it's been a month, I have found great comfort in this calling and have learned to truly love it as I've come to know all of the girls in my ward.  My counselors have been amazing and I don't know what I'd do without them.  Plus my roommates have been such a great support to me as well.  The Lord has truly blessed me beyond what I deserve in order to have the ability to do this calling.  

I could go on and on and on for days about my reaction to this calling, but I won't.  :)  It may sound like I'm comlaining about my hectic schedule, but really I actually love it, and it's been a huge blessing.  My life is finally coming together and I feel happy.  And that's always a good thing, right?  Well that's a very small fraction of what's been on my mind as of late, but I think I will stop there, and save some for later!