Life update: We bought a house!! And I cannot begin to tell you how extremely excited we are about it. Like seriously- we love love LOVE it. Ben had this last week of work off and we hit the ground running getting the house ready to move into. We closed on Monday and then moved all of our stuff over yesterday. So that's why my blog post is super late this week. But totally worth it. We woke up every morning and then did house stuff until midnight or later every night. It was crazy but so so good and so so worth it. Yes we spent way more time at Home Depot than I originally planned (and I had planned on going a lot), but I'm so happy with the progress we have already made. I will post pictures and such once we get a little more unpacking under our belts. Most of the work we did this week was painting. We decided to paint the entire inside of the house. Literally every room. We even ended up painting the ceilings, which put us behind schedule, but it was definitely worth it. It looks great now! We still need to paint our master bedroom and bathroom, but other than that, we got it all done! I'm still amazed.
But that brings me to my topic for today. Community. Unity. Zion. When I first moved to Danville, I was so so afraid of being away from my parents. Because they did SO much for us while we were living close. Helped us with anything we needed, I could always trust them to take care of Flint if I needed them to, and they were always feeding us like crazy. What was I going to do without them? Well although I am not related by blood to anyone in Danville, I have definitely felt a part of a family. When people found out we were moving, I was overwhelmed with the amount of people asking me how they could help. I could not believe it! Since so many people asked how they could help, I sent out a group text to my church peeps just saying we would do a painting party for anyone that wanted to come. So many people showed up and we got the entire house's first coat done in mere hours. I still can't believe it. And then yesterday, when we were getting ready to move again for the 3rd time in Danville and in 2 years, 16 people showed up at our door step to help. And some kids even came and helped out! I am seriously blown away. We got the entire move done from start to finish in 2.5 hours. I can't believe it. I seriously can't believe it. And I'm overwhelmed with gratitude and love for my people. The people that took Flint during the week so we could get more done, the people who brought us food so we did't have to eat yet another frozen pizza, the people that painted with a smile on their face, and the people that offered help and I didn't even take them up on it because I already had so much help.
To sum it up, I think I felt a little taste of what heaven is going to be like. Lots of awesome people, knit together in love and unity, and helping each other. Seeing a need and filling it. That's what I think heaven is really going to be like. And what a glorious feeling it was to get a taste of it this week. Once again, God knew what he was doing when he sent me to Danville. He knew that although I would be away from my blood related family, I would still have a family to lean on and boost me up when I needed it the most. It takes a village of people to raise a family. That's what they say at least. And I definitely think that's true. All I can say is that I've been surrounded by angels this past week (or all along really) and I couldn't be more grateful. What a wonderful community I have become a part of.
I hope I can be better at seeing needs in others and filling them. I hope to become like the people that helped me this week. God is good, people are good, life is GOOD!
Sunday, April 22, 2018
Friday, April 13, 2018
More lessons from Joseph
Now that I am not working with the Young Women anymore, I have been asked to teach Gospel Doctrine, or adult Sunday school. And I'm super excited about it because this year we are studying the Old Testament which I absolutely love.
I taught my first lesson this past Sunday and the topic was Joseph in Egypt, which was perfect timing considering my post from two weeks ago. As I really dove into the story again, even though I had just read it, it was amazing to me how many things we can truly learn from this story. I could probably continue with a "lessons from Joseph" mini series for the blog. But for now, I will stick to just one more.
As you know, I've been seriously contemplating what faith means, and now what trust in God means. And wow is Joseph the perfect example of both things. Something just clicked this time as I read the story about why our faith and trust in God matter. And it comes down to being prepared. Being spiritually prepared. The story of Joseph shows us great examples of being spiritually prepared, but also of being temporally prepared. The temporal preparedness would obviously be him leading Egypt to storing lots of food during their 7 years of plenty so that they had enough to live on and sell to others during the 7 years of famine. But his spiritual preparedness is what allowed him to get to that point. His faith during times of hardship is what made the big difference.
When Joseph was put into prison for something he did not even do, it would have been so easy for him to say "Ok well I guess God has forgotten me." It would have been so easy for him to turn bitter. Or if nothing else, it would have at least been easy for him to become complacent in his faith and just kind of apathetically exist. To know that God is there, but not really do anything about it. I know there have been times in my life where I have felt God has forgotten me. But there have been even more times where times got tough and I didn't necessarily say "Ok God forgot me," but I just kind of sat on the bench for the while, waiting (in a very apathetic manner) for whatever it was to pass. Like with the match, (I know, I talk about this a lot, but it's my life right now) I kind of just threw my hands up in the air and said "You know what? God is going to do what he's going to do. Me praying about it won't change anything. Me exercising faith won't change anything. What's going to happen is just going to happen." And Joseph could have easily said that same thing when he was thrown into prison. Or he could have at least gotten to that point after a year. Or two years.
But he didn't. He kept the faith. He kept his trust in God strong. He built his faith even more, so that when that opportunity came, he would be prepared. He would be ready. And you know what? That opportunity did come. When he was given the chance to interpret dreams, he was ready to do so. With the help and power of God. But what if he had just been sitting there, kind of just existing, waiting for something to happen and hadn't strengthened his faith? What if he hadn't been spiritually prepared to interpret those dreams? His story would have gone a little differently. Joseph's faith mattered. It mattered in his own outcome, it mattered to those other men in prison, it mattered to the Pharaoh, it mattered to all of Egypt, and it ultimately mattered to all of the surrounding areas and therefore to his family and their future. The faith of a single person can truly change the world. It cannot only make a difference but the difference.
I want to remember this lesson. I want to take my hard times and turn them into opportunities to build my faith. Take them as opportunities to bulk up my spiritual reservoir so that when the time comes, I will be ready, and I can make a difference. What a blessing it is to have the scriptures to teach us lessons like this. If I trust God, everything else will all work out. Joseph knew that, and I'm so glad he did.
I taught my first lesson this past Sunday and the topic was Joseph in Egypt, which was perfect timing considering my post from two weeks ago. As I really dove into the story again, even though I had just read it, it was amazing to me how many things we can truly learn from this story. I could probably continue with a "lessons from Joseph" mini series for the blog. But for now, I will stick to just one more.
As you know, I've been seriously contemplating what faith means, and now what trust in God means. And wow is Joseph the perfect example of both things. Something just clicked this time as I read the story about why our faith and trust in God matter. And it comes down to being prepared. Being spiritually prepared. The story of Joseph shows us great examples of being spiritually prepared, but also of being temporally prepared. The temporal preparedness would obviously be him leading Egypt to storing lots of food during their 7 years of plenty so that they had enough to live on and sell to others during the 7 years of famine. But his spiritual preparedness is what allowed him to get to that point. His faith during times of hardship is what made the big difference.
When Joseph was put into prison for something he did not even do, it would have been so easy for him to say "Ok well I guess God has forgotten me." It would have been so easy for him to turn bitter. Or if nothing else, it would have at least been easy for him to become complacent in his faith and just kind of apathetically exist. To know that God is there, but not really do anything about it. I know there have been times in my life where I have felt God has forgotten me. But there have been even more times where times got tough and I didn't necessarily say "Ok God forgot me," but I just kind of sat on the bench for the while, waiting (in a very apathetic manner) for whatever it was to pass. Like with the match, (I know, I talk about this a lot, but it's my life right now) I kind of just threw my hands up in the air and said "You know what? God is going to do what he's going to do. Me praying about it won't change anything. Me exercising faith won't change anything. What's going to happen is just going to happen." And Joseph could have easily said that same thing when he was thrown into prison. Or he could have at least gotten to that point after a year. Or two years.
But he didn't. He kept the faith. He kept his trust in God strong. He built his faith even more, so that when that opportunity came, he would be prepared. He would be ready. And you know what? That opportunity did come. When he was given the chance to interpret dreams, he was ready to do so. With the help and power of God. But what if he had just been sitting there, kind of just existing, waiting for something to happen and hadn't strengthened his faith? What if he hadn't been spiritually prepared to interpret those dreams? His story would have gone a little differently. Joseph's faith mattered. It mattered in his own outcome, it mattered to those other men in prison, it mattered to the Pharaoh, it mattered to all of Egypt, and it ultimately mattered to all of the surrounding areas and therefore to his family and their future. The faith of a single person can truly change the world. It cannot only make a difference but the difference.
I want to remember this lesson. I want to take my hard times and turn them into opportunities to build my faith. Take them as opportunities to bulk up my spiritual reservoir so that when the time comes, I will be ready, and I can make a difference. What a blessing it is to have the scriptures to teach us lessons like this. If I trust God, everything else will all work out. Joseph knew that, and I'm so glad he did.
Saturday, April 7, 2018
An Open Letter to my Young Women
Dear Young Woman,
I hope you know what an absolute delight it was serving with you during my year and a half with the youth. And I hope you learned something from me. I hope I was a good example of what a faithful woman is to you. And I am going to miss seeing you twice a week, coming together to have fun, serve others, and draw closer to our Savior.
I hope you know how important it is to know, and I mean truly know that you are a daughter of God. That knowledge brings power. That knowledge brings confidence. And that confidence will change your life and the world around you. It is so, so easy to get caught up in the chaos of the world. It is so, so easy to lose your eternal perspective. And the knowledge that you are a daughter of God is what you need to combat that. You are of divine heritage. And he has amazing, wonderful things in store for you.
Don't dwell on your imperfections. Embrace who you are, and know that with God's help, you can become who you are truly meant to become. Those weaknesses that you are probably beating yourself up about on a daily basis really truly can become strengths. If you put your faith in the Lord, put all of your efforts in, and rely on the grace of God, anything is possible.
Remember that you are standing as a witness of God at all times, and in all things and in all places. I cannot express enough how important it is to be at the right place at the right time. It's a lot easier to make good choices when you surround yourself with good people and good places. Make friends with people that think you are the best. That think you are awesome. Having friends that fill your life with positivity is something that will bless you throughout the rest of your life. Don't cling to negative people- you are better than that. Because remember- you are a daughter of God. And if you radiate light and positivity to those around you, the right people will be attracted to that and will want to be around you.
You are going to get overwhelmed by life. It's something that happens to all of us. Confide in your mom, confide in your leaders. They have so much to offer you. I have been so blessed throughout my life with amazing advice from my parents and leaders. I still to this day thank God daily for the amazing youth leaders that I had who helped shape my testimony and faith in God. When you do feel overwhelmed, just remember that you are never alone. And also remember that the problem you face is just a small pebble that you probably have placed right in front of your eye. As you pull the pebble away, and your vision isn't completely consumed by the sight of this rock, you begin to see that the world is much bigger. And having an eternal perspective that you are just experiencing a small pebble in a large world can bring you comfort and peace. All things will work together for your good. Remember that and cling to that promise that God has given us.
The last thing I want to say is that you are going to make mistakes. We all do it. As much as I wish that the advice I give you will prevent the heartache you will feel from making those mistakes, I know that you will still make them. Just remember that those mistakes do not define you. Your divine heritage, the knowledge that you are daughter of God is what truly defines you. Give yourself grace, repent when you need to, and just learn from the mistakes that you make. And once again, if you remember who you truly are, you will be much better equipped to do so.
Remember, remember, remember. YOU are a daughter of God.
Love,
Sister (Grace) Fisher
I hope you know what an absolute delight it was serving with you during my year and a half with the youth. And I hope you learned something from me. I hope I was a good example of what a faithful woman is to you. And I am going to miss seeing you twice a week, coming together to have fun, serve others, and draw closer to our Savior.
I hope you know how important it is to know, and I mean truly know that you are a daughter of God. That knowledge brings power. That knowledge brings confidence. And that confidence will change your life and the world around you. It is so, so easy to get caught up in the chaos of the world. It is so, so easy to lose your eternal perspective. And the knowledge that you are a daughter of God is what you need to combat that. You are of divine heritage. And he has amazing, wonderful things in store for you.
Don't dwell on your imperfections. Embrace who you are, and know that with God's help, you can become who you are truly meant to become. Those weaknesses that you are probably beating yourself up about on a daily basis really truly can become strengths. If you put your faith in the Lord, put all of your efforts in, and rely on the grace of God, anything is possible.
Remember that you are standing as a witness of God at all times, and in all things and in all places. I cannot express enough how important it is to be at the right place at the right time. It's a lot easier to make good choices when you surround yourself with good people and good places. Make friends with people that think you are the best. That think you are awesome. Having friends that fill your life with positivity is something that will bless you throughout the rest of your life. Don't cling to negative people- you are better than that. Because remember- you are a daughter of God. And if you radiate light and positivity to those around you, the right people will be attracted to that and will want to be around you.
You are going to get overwhelmed by life. It's something that happens to all of us. Confide in your mom, confide in your leaders. They have so much to offer you. I have been so blessed throughout my life with amazing advice from my parents and leaders. I still to this day thank God daily for the amazing youth leaders that I had who helped shape my testimony and faith in God. When you do feel overwhelmed, just remember that you are never alone. And also remember that the problem you face is just a small pebble that you probably have placed right in front of your eye. As you pull the pebble away, and your vision isn't completely consumed by the sight of this rock, you begin to see that the world is much bigger. And having an eternal perspective that you are just experiencing a small pebble in a large world can bring you comfort and peace. All things will work together for your good. Remember that and cling to that promise that God has given us.
The last thing I want to say is that you are going to make mistakes. We all do it. As much as I wish that the advice I give you will prevent the heartache you will feel from making those mistakes, I know that you will still make them. Just remember that those mistakes do not define you. Your divine heritage, the knowledge that you are daughter of God is what truly defines you. Give yourself grace, repent when you need to, and just learn from the mistakes that you make. And once again, if you remember who you truly are, you will be much better equipped to do so.
Remember, remember, remember. YOU are a daughter of God.
Love,
Sister (Grace) Fisher
Saturday, March 31, 2018
I Thank Thee, Oh God, For a Prophet
Today I had the amazing experience of sustaining the new prophet of our church, Russell M. Nelson. I was actually at the conference center back when there was a solemn assembly for Thomas S. Monson and it was such an incredible experience. I worried that this time around, sitting on my couch just wouldn't be the same. Fortunately, I was incredibly wrong.
It was such a powerful experience to stand and raise my hand to sustain our new prophet, even though it was just me and Flint watching together. The spirit was so strong and my eyes got misty because I know that God calls prophets to lead his church. And I felt the power of the congregation in that conference center and of members all around the world, standing and sustaining our prophet as well. What a wonderful thing it is to uplift and strengthen one another in our faith and devotion to God and his will.
This week's blog post is short, but I wanted to write down my feelings before I forget them. Especially since M. Russell Ballard encouraged us to do so in his talk. President Nelson is called of God. I know it. And I can't wait to see what the Lord will do through him. What an exciting time to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints!
If you are wondering about what I'm talking about- please go to lds.org or I'm always available to answer questions!
It was such a powerful experience to stand and raise my hand to sustain our new prophet, even though it was just me and Flint watching together. The spirit was so strong and my eyes got misty because I know that God calls prophets to lead his church. And I felt the power of the congregation in that conference center and of members all around the world, standing and sustaining our prophet as well. What a wonderful thing it is to uplift and strengthen one another in our faith and devotion to God and his will.
This week's blog post is short, but I wanted to write down my feelings before I forget them. Especially since M. Russell Ballard encouraged us to do so in his talk. President Nelson is called of God. I know it. And I can't wait to see what the Lord will do through him. What an exciting time to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints!
If you are wondering about what I'm talking about- please go to lds.org or I'm always available to answer questions!
Thursday, March 22, 2018
All Things Will Work Together For Thy Good
The title of this post is a common phrase heard among Mormons. I have found myself saying it to others in times of advice and I have definitely found myself saying it to myself when things aren't going well. But it's such a hard thing to remember when you're in the depths of trial or sorrow, right? I am currently reading the Old Testament as part of my 2018 goal to read all 4 standard works this year. The Old Testament is often meticulous and hard to get in to, but my most favorite stories seem to come from it. The story of Abraham is my absolute favorite in all of scripture- so many many lessons to be learned from him. Today, however, I want to talk about another favorite story of mine- Joseph being sold into Egypt by his brothers. Or Joseph and the many colored coat, if you will.
I hope this is a familiar story for everyone, but a quick brush up can't hurt, right? Joseph is the 11th of 12 sons of Israel (formerly Jacob) and is the oldest son of Jacob's favorite wife, Rachel. You know, the Rachel he worked 14 years for? Anyway. Joseph starts to have dreams that his brothers bow down to him, and he's also the favorite son (colored coat to prove it), which basically ends in a bunch of jealousy and hard feelings and he is sold into Egypt as a slave by his brothers.
To skip ahead in the story a little bit, he ends up in prison since his master's wife accused him of trying to lie with her, even though he was innocent. And there he spends years. Years! It is so easy to not realize this because the timeline is summed up in a verse in Genesis, but when you really think about it, this would have taken a lot of patience to endure. On top of thinking he would never see his family again and the whole being a slave in the first place thing.
The part that always impresses me the most about Joseph is that he never loses sight of what's truly important. He never loses his faith. And he credits God with everything. He has that eternal perspective. At the end of the story (once again, skipping ahead), after he has gained great power and such in Egypt and his brothers come and realize who he is, they obviously feel very guilty and sorry and ask for forgiveness. And this is the impressive part. Joseph tells them "Fear not; for am I in the place of God? But as for you, ye thought evil against me; but God meant it unto good, to bring to pass, as it is this day, to save much people alive." (Genesis 50: 19-20) Basically he's saying- this was all part of God's plan! Your poor choices still turned into good. If they hadn't sold Joseph into Egypt, then they wouldn't have been saved from the famine in Canaan all those many years later. So this had to happen to save his father's family. All things worked together for Joseph's good.
Sometimes we are victims to others' poor choices. And we feel trapped, even though we did nothing to get in that situation. But what a miracle it is that God still is able to bring things together for our benefit. His plan cannot be ruined by others' choices. I have definitely experienced this in my life. Where I have felt hurt and betrayed which resulted in me feeling like I can't experience happiness because what could have been is ruined by others. (A little "wo is me" attitude). Fortunately I have also experienced what Joseph describes as well. All things are possible to God. All Things. No, he won't take away anyone's agency, but He will make sure that all things will work together for our good. And once again, the atonement makes up for any hurt or betrayal we may feel.
So next time you feel like a victim, remember that. And also remember that waiting on the Lord is something that comes with the territory. Joseph waited years in prison. And years after that to see his family again. It was a long road, but one where he still managed to see the Lord's hand in all things. All Things. And that's why he was able to forgive his brethren so quickly and easily. Something I want to achieve one day.
The Lord is in the details of our lives. The good, the bad, the ugly. Often we write gratitude journals or try and focus on all the good things in our lives as signs that God is with us. But even the bad things in our lives have God in them. And those things are also a part of God's plan. They aren't things that happen despite of His plan. God's hand applies to all aspects of our life. And what a blessing that is, even if we can't see it at the time.
I hope this is a familiar story for everyone, but a quick brush up can't hurt, right? Joseph is the 11th of 12 sons of Israel (formerly Jacob) and is the oldest son of Jacob's favorite wife, Rachel. You know, the Rachel he worked 14 years for? Anyway. Joseph starts to have dreams that his brothers bow down to him, and he's also the favorite son (colored coat to prove it), which basically ends in a bunch of jealousy and hard feelings and he is sold into Egypt as a slave by his brothers.
To skip ahead in the story a little bit, he ends up in prison since his master's wife accused him of trying to lie with her, even though he was innocent. And there he spends years. Years! It is so easy to not realize this because the timeline is summed up in a verse in Genesis, but when you really think about it, this would have taken a lot of patience to endure. On top of thinking he would never see his family again and the whole being a slave in the first place thing.
The part that always impresses me the most about Joseph is that he never loses sight of what's truly important. He never loses his faith. And he credits God with everything. He has that eternal perspective. At the end of the story (once again, skipping ahead), after he has gained great power and such in Egypt and his brothers come and realize who he is, they obviously feel very guilty and sorry and ask for forgiveness. And this is the impressive part. Joseph tells them "Fear not; for am I in the place of God? But as for you, ye thought evil against me; but God meant it unto good, to bring to pass, as it is this day, to save much people alive." (Genesis 50: 19-20) Basically he's saying- this was all part of God's plan! Your poor choices still turned into good. If they hadn't sold Joseph into Egypt, then they wouldn't have been saved from the famine in Canaan all those many years later. So this had to happen to save his father's family. All things worked together for Joseph's good.
Sometimes we are victims to others' poor choices. And we feel trapped, even though we did nothing to get in that situation. But what a miracle it is that God still is able to bring things together for our benefit. His plan cannot be ruined by others' choices. I have definitely experienced this in my life. Where I have felt hurt and betrayed which resulted in me feeling like I can't experience happiness because what could have been is ruined by others. (A little "wo is me" attitude). Fortunately I have also experienced what Joseph describes as well. All things are possible to God. All Things. No, he won't take away anyone's agency, but He will make sure that all things will work together for our good. And once again, the atonement makes up for any hurt or betrayal we may feel.
So next time you feel like a victim, remember that. And also remember that waiting on the Lord is something that comes with the territory. Joseph waited years in prison. And years after that to see his family again. It was a long road, but one where he still managed to see the Lord's hand in all things. All Things. And that's why he was able to forgive his brethren so quickly and easily. Something I want to achieve one day.
The Lord is in the details of our lives. The good, the bad, the ugly. Often we write gratitude journals or try and focus on all the good things in our lives as signs that God is with us. But even the bad things in our lives have God in them. And those things are also a part of God's plan. They aren't things that happen despite of His plan. God's hand applies to all aspects of our life. And what a blessing that is, even if we can't see it at the time.
Thursday, March 15, 2018
Ponder Anew, What the Almighty Can Do
Three years ago, I found myself stressing. In a way that I had never experienced before. For those of you that know me, I'm very chill and usually do quite well under pressure. But this was a different kind of pressure. I found myself in a position of having 0% control and was at the mercy of so many things. An algorithm (the match), my husband's choices, the residency program directors' choices, etc. And I went to my dad and asked for a blessing. I was seeking for something, anything to ease my fears and calm my heart.
The only thing I remember about that blessing is that he said the Lord was aware of my family and our needs. And that he would send us to the best place for our family. Little did I know that that place would be a small town in rural Pennsylvania- Danville. There have been so many, many times that I have doubted we were in the right place. From the moment I burst into tears at our match ceremony and found out we were coming here, until the moments leading up to the match this time around. And here I am, 3 years later, finally understanding why we were sent to Danville. Danville is where Ben would be able to achieve his dream of becoming a surgeon and I would be able to find a support system to endure the ups and downs of not matching and of just being a surgery resident's wife. The Lord had both of us in mind when he sent us here.
Matched. I'm pretty sure that's the best word in the English language. :) A word that for me, means relief, grace, atonement, progress, celebration and overcoming. I have visualized posting "MATCHED" on facebook for 3 years now. And I was finally able to. There is power in visualization. There is power in never giving up hope that what you want can and will happen, through the grace of God.
I went to the temple back in November to once again find peace during a trying time. And the lyrics to the hymn "Praise to the Lord, the Almighty" were brought to my mind. And I haven't been able to shake them since. In verse 4 it says,
Praise to the Lord, who doth prosper thy work and defend thee.
Who from the heavens the streams of His mercy doth send thee.
Ponder Anew, What the Almighty Can do
Who with His love, doth befriend thee.
All things are possible to God. Trust Him. Even if you don't see any possible, logical way that it can happen, that's when we need to ponder anew what God is capable of doing. As we got the news that we matched, I have been singing (belting) that song out (in my mind, I'm not a singer, LOL) in praise. It really was possible! And the intricacies of events that happened to allow this to happen are incredible. And I'm happy to explain to anyone who will listen, but for the sake of not making this post forever long, I will spare you the details. But as I look back at the last 3 years, so SO many tender mercies have happened along the way to make this possible.
Here are a few things I have learned in the last 3 years that I want to share:
1. When someone doesn't match (or goes through some other crazy trial), it doesn't help to hear of stories that happened to others in similar situations and then everything worked out. I have heard so many stories of people who didn't match and then it all worked out for them. And I do appreciate those stories because they were coming from people who loved and cared about me. And wanted to comfort me. But if anyone is reading this post and didn't match, I have something else to say to you. Just because things worked out this way for me, doesn't mean they will work out this way for you. Putting faith and trust in other people's experiences is building your hope and trust in something false and not steady. True strength comes from putting your faith and trust in GOD. When you lean on Him, believing and trusting in His power, that's where you will find relief. He knows what is best for us. Know that and trust it!
2. God takes us into consideration. Maybe that's a duh moment. But in the past 3 years, I have often felt like "well I guess it doesn't matter what I do or what I think because what's going to happen is going to happen, and I just have to accept that. And I just have to learn some lesson that I'm not in the mood to learn because God is going to do what He is going to do. I once again have no control." But that's where I was wrong. Praying to God is not a me asking and Him denying type of thing. He takes my thoughts, my fears, my loves, my desires into consideration when He makes things possible (or sometimes impossible). Sometimes it feels like denying because of the timeline. Waiting on God is so so hard. But He always, always comes through with our best interest in mind.
3. Sometimes marriage is hard, even though I have never found being married to Ben hard. Let me explain. Ben is the ideal husband. No really, he is! He is always patient with me. He never loses his temper. He always helps around the house without being asked. He is dedicated to the gospel and to doing the right thing. He is a wonderful, wonderful father and dedicates his time and love to our children. He always puts me first when taking anything into consideration. He is kind, thoughtful, hard working. But marriage in general is hard sometimes because we are at the mercy of our spouse and our spouse's choices. Ben was determined to be a surgeon. I have often thought "why couldn't he have chosen a less competitive specialty?!" And I was at the mercy of his choice. But what a beautiful thing it is that Ben and I have gone through the best of times and worst of times together in our short (almost!) 5 years of marriage. Getting through this has made us stronger and will help us face more hardships together in the future.
4. Sharing success is so much sweeter when you have shared your sorrows and failures. Not matching can be a shameful thing. It can be a thing that makes you think you're not good enough and a lot of people don't want to talk about it. Because we've been so open about our experience, however, when we finally did match, the amount of cheerleaders exploding with happiness on our behalf was overwhelming. My phone was blowing up all day on Monday with people thrilled beyond belief for us. When you fail, you often don't want to talk to anyone about it. But people are kinder than you think they are going to be. Trust me. They are more supportive than you think they are going to be. Our group of cheerleaders only grew with each failure that we faced. And when our time finally came, the celebration was that much sweeter because we had so many people to celebrate with.
5. And finally, trials are an experience to build faith, not waver in it. When the going gets tough, that is an opportunity to become closer to God, not farther. To grow stronger with God, not weaker. And it took me 3 years to learn that. And I hope I remember it next time. God allows trials sometimes because our faith needs to be built. Our trust in Him needs to grow.
I am unable to truly explain to you the feeling of relief we experienced this week. And I am unable to fully express my gratitude to our cheerleaders and to God. But what a wonderful problem that is, right?
Friday, March 9, 2018
The mercy of failing
*inhales deep breath for courage* This post has been a long time coming. But it's something that I feel very passionate about and want to finally share with others. Some of you may already know this story, but that's ok, you can enjoy it again! :)
I was a golden child in high school. Practically perfect grades, took all honors classes, made all of the right choices. I did all of the right things to get into BYU- which was what I wanted more than anything at the time. When the acceptance letter came, I was elated! But not really surprised.
I'll spare you the sad sob story of how I got out to BYU and crumpled from the extreme homesickness I felt and my inability to cope with the new lifestyle that college brought. I'll just say that it was hard. I thought the solution to my problem would be to move to a new place and get a fresh start, which I did. But nothing really changed because I wasn't really addressing the underlying problem (re: my non existent social life/loneliness). And having connections with people is a huge deal. Even the most introverted of people needs human interaction. And not just any kind of interaction, but deep, meaningful interaction.
As my depression and loneliness slowly started taking over my life, it led to a string of choices. It started with choosing to not go a class one day. Then not to go to another class and another class and another one. You can imagine where I'm going with this. I would literally go a week without stepping foot onto campus at all. Sometimes more than that. As you can imagine, my grades plummeted. I got a letter in the mail from the academic office saying that I had a warning and that if I didn't shape up, more action would be needed. Then after another semester and similar choices, probation happened. Probation meant that I had one more chance to either shape up or get suspended.
During my probation semester, I got called as the relief society president of my singles ward. And although it was a lot of responsibility (I had 100 girls in my ward), I truly loved it and I grew to love the girls. Most importantly, however, I grew to love my bishopric and became very close to my bishop. He was the one that I finally broke down and told about my academic struggles. Not even my family really knew what was going on.
I continued to not go to class during that probation semester. What was I thinking, you may ask? I honestly couldn't tell you except that I was not. I just couldn't handle it. And there would be this vicious cycle of depression which made it even harder to go, so I wouldn't, which would make it even harder to go, etc. So towards the end of the semester, I found myself in my bishop's office, crying, knowing what was going to happen. And he offered to give me a blessing. In the blessing he repeated over and over that the Lord would have mercy on me. And I remember thinking, "wow, I'm not going to be suspended! The Lord can perform miracles, so this is going to work out!" Boy was I wrong.
I got my grades back. I got the letter. And I got suspended for a year.
I was a golden child in high school. Practically perfect grades, took all honors classes, made all of the right choices. I did all of the right things to get into BYU- which was what I wanted more than anything at the time. When the acceptance letter came, I was elated! But not really surprised.
I'll spare you the sad sob story of how I got out to BYU and crumpled from the extreme homesickness I felt and my inability to cope with the new lifestyle that college brought. I'll just say that it was hard. I thought the solution to my problem would be to move to a new place and get a fresh start, which I did. But nothing really changed because I wasn't really addressing the underlying problem (re: my non existent social life/loneliness). And having connections with people is a huge deal. Even the most introverted of people needs human interaction. And not just any kind of interaction, but deep, meaningful interaction.
As my depression and loneliness slowly started taking over my life, it led to a string of choices. It started with choosing to not go a class one day. Then not to go to another class and another class and another one. You can imagine where I'm going with this. I would literally go a week without stepping foot onto campus at all. Sometimes more than that. As you can imagine, my grades plummeted. I got a letter in the mail from the academic office saying that I had a warning and that if I didn't shape up, more action would be needed. Then after another semester and similar choices, probation happened. Probation meant that I had one more chance to either shape up or get suspended.
During my probation semester, I got called as the relief society president of my singles ward. And although it was a lot of responsibility (I had 100 girls in my ward), I truly loved it and I grew to love the girls. Most importantly, however, I grew to love my bishopric and became very close to my bishop. He was the one that I finally broke down and told about my academic struggles. Not even my family really knew what was going on.
I continued to not go to class during that probation semester. What was I thinking, you may ask? I honestly couldn't tell you except that I was not. I just couldn't handle it. And there would be this vicious cycle of depression which made it even harder to go, so I wouldn't, which would make it even harder to go, etc. So towards the end of the semester, I found myself in my bishop's office, crying, knowing what was going to happen. And he offered to give me a blessing. In the blessing he repeated over and over that the Lord would have mercy on me. And I remember thinking, "wow, I'm not going to be suspended! The Lord can perform miracles, so this is going to work out!" Boy was I wrong.
I got my grades back. I got the letter. And I got suspended for a year.
I had failed.
Do you know what it feels like to fail? In something really big? Like, I just destroyed my future, big? For your sake, I hope you haven't. Let me try and explain it to you. I woke up every single morning after that for years with a wave of "You are a failure" washing over me. And on top of that, I looked at how I had gotten to that point, and I had literally no one else to blame but myself. My choices got me there. Not my inadequacies or short comings. But my choices. It was entirely, 100% my fault. And the more poor choices I made, the fewer options I had. To the point where I had no options because suspension was chosen for me. I would sit in church, listening to how God makes all of the difference, and thought, "well that doesn't apply to me because I put myself here." Any dreams for my future in grad school were thrown away. And here I was, a prisoner to my own self.
I stayed out in Provo even though I wasn't currently attending school. And I actually stayed away from BYU for a year and a half because I apparently wasn't ready to go back after the year. But something happened to me that first semester back. And lots of things happened to me during that year and a half away. I experienced mercy. And I learned that our God, indeed, is a merciful God.
And even though I just took a really long time to explain my failure, what I want to focus on today is mercy. And what I learned about all of those years ago. During my first semester back, my relief society president (I had moved and was in a different ward now) called me and challenged me to put all of my effort into praying genuine prayers that week because she was teaching a lesson about prayer that upcoming Sunday and wanted me to share my experience. So I agreed. And I prayed, boy did I pray. And poured out my soul to my Heavenly Father that week, in a way that I hadn't in a very long time.
And somehow, in God's infinite mercy, I saw a glimpse of myself. Of my true self. And all of the potential that I have. And it was a huge wake up call to me. Why would God throw away all of this potential that I have just because I had made a mistake? Or a lot of them for that matter? God needs me to be an instrument in His hands, despite how imperfect I am. And I saw that. I saw that even though I had failed, failing was not going to define my life. And I was still capable of living a full, joyful life. He still wanted to use me for great things. I still had infinite potential to accomplish marvelous things.
But how was this possible? And a small thought entered my head: mercy. God had mercy on me. And that is one of the most beautiful things in the world. And he continues to have mercy on me every single day. And that mercy is a part of the atonement. He makes up for our failures. Even when we are the ones that put ourselves in that position. If we are willing to come unto him, He will show us mercy. Because He loves us. Because He knew that we would make mistakes. Just like Adam and Eve. He provided them with a savior and way to overcome the fact that they disobeyed him. Yes, they still got kicked out of the garden of Eden, but they still lived lives of joy. They drew close to the Lord and were able to have posterity and happiness. He had mercy on them.
And that, my friends, is one of the beautiful things about life. We are all going to fail. In big ways sometimes, and in small ways. But that's ok, because the Lord provided a way for us to overcome that. There is always a way back.
Since then, I have learned so much about myself. And I have lived a life full of joy and love. A life I didn't think was possible when I got that suspension notice long ago. But I'm glad that through God, all things are possible. Through his mercy, I found love for myself, and saw the way He loves me, even if just for a moment. He has bigger and better plans for us than we can even imagine. And for that, I am grateful.
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