I was a golden child in high school. Practically perfect grades, took all honors classes, made all of the right choices. I did all of the right things to get into BYU- which was what I wanted more than anything at the time. When the acceptance letter came, I was elated! But not really surprised.
I'll spare you the sad sob story of how I got out to BYU and crumpled from the extreme homesickness I felt and my inability to cope with the new lifestyle that college brought. I'll just say that it was hard. I thought the solution to my problem would be to move to a new place and get a fresh start, which I did. But nothing really changed because I wasn't really addressing the underlying problem (re: my non existent social life/loneliness). And having connections with people is a huge deal. Even the most introverted of people needs human interaction. And not just any kind of interaction, but deep, meaningful interaction.
As my depression and loneliness slowly started taking over my life, it led to a string of choices. It started with choosing to not go a class one day. Then not to go to another class and another class and another one. You can imagine where I'm going with this. I would literally go a week without stepping foot onto campus at all. Sometimes more than that. As you can imagine, my grades plummeted. I got a letter in the mail from the academic office saying that I had a warning and that if I didn't shape up, more action would be needed. Then after another semester and similar choices, probation happened. Probation meant that I had one more chance to either shape up or get suspended.
During my probation semester, I got called as the relief society president of my singles ward. And although it was a lot of responsibility (I had 100 girls in my ward), I truly loved it and I grew to love the girls. Most importantly, however, I grew to love my bishopric and became very close to my bishop. He was the one that I finally broke down and told about my academic struggles. Not even my family really knew what was going on.
I continued to not go to class during that probation semester. What was I thinking, you may ask? I honestly couldn't tell you except that I was not. I just couldn't handle it. And there would be this vicious cycle of depression which made it even harder to go, so I wouldn't, which would make it even harder to go, etc. So towards the end of the semester, I found myself in my bishop's office, crying, knowing what was going to happen. And he offered to give me a blessing. In the blessing he repeated over and over that the Lord would have mercy on me. And I remember thinking, "wow, I'm not going to be suspended! The Lord can perform miracles, so this is going to work out!" Boy was I wrong.
I got my grades back. I got the letter. And I got suspended for a year.
I had failed.
Do you know what it feels like to fail? In something really big? Like, I just destroyed my future, big? For your sake, I hope you haven't. Let me try and explain it to you. I woke up every single morning after that for years with a wave of "You are a failure" washing over me. And on top of that, I looked at how I had gotten to that point, and I had literally no one else to blame but myself. My choices got me there. Not my inadequacies or short comings. But my choices. It was entirely, 100% my fault. And the more poor choices I made, the fewer options I had. To the point where I had no options because suspension was chosen for me. I would sit in church, listening to how God makes all of the difference, and thought, "well that doesn't apply to me because I put myself here." Any dreams for my future in grad school were thrown away. And here I was, a prisoner to my own self.
I stayed out in Provo even though I wasn't currently attending school. And I actually stayed away from BYU for a year and a half because I apparently wasn't ready to go back after the year. But something happened to me that first semester back. And lots of things happened to me during that year and a half away. I experienced mercy. And I learned that our God, indeed, is a merciful God.
And even though I just took a really long time to explain my failure, what I want to focus on today is mercy. And what I learned about all of those years ago. During my first semester back, my relief society president (I had moved and was in a different ward now) called me and challenged me to put all of my effort into praying genuine prayers that week because she was teaching a lesson about prayer that upcoming Sunday and wanted me to share my experience. So I agreed. And I prayed, boy did I pray. And poured out my soul to my Heavenly Father that week, in a way that I hadn't in a very long time.
And somehow, in God's infinite mercy, I saw a glimpse of myself. Of my true self. And all of the potential that I have. And it was a huge wake up call to me. Why would God throw away all of this potential that I have just because I had made a mistake? Or a lot of them for that matter? God needs me to be an instrument in His hands, despite how imperfect I am. And I saw that. I saw that even though I had failed, failing was not going to define my life. And I was still capable of living a full, joyful life. He still wanted to use me for great things. I still had infinite potential to accomplish marvelous things.
But how was this possible? And a small thought entered my head: mercy. God had mercy on me. And that is one of the most beautiful things in the world. And he continues to have mercy on me every single day. And that mercy is a part of the atonement. He makes up for our failures. Even when we are the ones that put ourselves in that position. If we are willing to come unto him, He will show us mercy. Because He loves us. Because He knew that we would make mistakes. Just like Adam and Eve. He provided them with a savior and way to overcome the fact that they disobeyed him. Yes, they still got kicked out of the garden of Eden, but they still lived lives of joy. They drew close to the Lord and were able to have posterity and happiness. He had mercy on them.
And that, my friends, is one of the beautiful things about life. We are all going to fail. In big ways sometimes, and in small ways. But that's ok, because the Lord provided a way for us to overcome that. There is always a way back.
Since then, I have learned so much about myself. And I have lived a life full of joy and love. A life I didn't think was possible when I got that suspension notice long ago. But I'm glad that through God, all things are possible. Through his mercy, I found love for myself, and saw the way He loves me, even if just for a moment. He has bigger and better plans for us than we can even imagine. And for that, I am grateful.
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