So much on my mind...

Wow, ok, so this whole blogging thing has finally got the better of me.  Everyone else seems to be doing it, so I decided I would join!  It's a little intimidating because I don't really know where to begin or how to start, so I guess I'll just try to start from where I am today.  

I'm sitting here in my apartment, just thinking about everything, and realizing that I haven't had a moment of having a clear head for such a long time that it's actually kind of ridiculous.  I guess that's normal for some, if not most people, but this whole growing up thing is kinda weird for me because I'm so used to being care free and not having to worry about things that really truly matter (even though as a teenager I guess I thought things were important that really weren't).  Ha - I say that like it was SO long ago.... I'm only 20.... almost 21 though! I feel like the older I get though, the more weight I have to take on, and the more I ultimately have to worry about.  So the point of this entry is just to sort out all of the things I think about, minus the few things that aren't appropriate for an internet blog.  

First, there's that huge thing to think about called school!  I've changed my major 3 times now, and now I've finally decided on a history teaching major.  Although I am really enjoying my history classes, for the most part, I still wonder if this is really what I'm supposed to be doing.  I'm becoming slowly more sure of it, but there is still that doubt, you know?  My dad gave me a blessing before school started that said as this year went by I would feel more and more confident that I chose the right major to study, and I guess so far that has been true, so I just need to trust it.  I have always been against the whole teaching thing, because I always thought it was such a cop out major (no offense to all those teachers out there!) and I was resisting and resisting what I knew I was meant to do.  I'm almost a little ashamed to tell people what my major is because my whole life I've said that I wasn't going to be a teacher... but hey here I am eating my words because that's what I'm going to be doing.  I think it's a wise decision nonetheless, and I feel good about it, even though there's a little part of me that is resisting it.  

I'm also working full time while going to school full time this year, which has actually been a blessing in disguise.  Yes, I am pretty much the busiest I have ever been, and I don't usually like being busy, but the more I get used to it, the more I realize that I kind of like it because I am so much more productive and get things done.  And I find I am happiest when I am being productive.  I work with mentally handicapped adults in their home.  There are 4 guys living there, Greg, Kurt, Scott, and Brian.  I just help them do things that they can't do for themselves, like giving them meds, cooking, cleaning, and taking them out to do activities around Provo.  It tries my patience at times, but overall it's been a really good job.  I work 3-midnight, and they all go to bed at like 8, so I have those 4 hours to do homework, or just have time to myself, which is always nice.  And I'm more likely to do my homework at work, than at home because I'd get distracted with other things.  So there's the blessing.  Being this busy has also caused time to move ridiculously fast.  I canNOT believe its already October, I know so many people say that, but I feel like I can't even keep up with it all sometimes.  

On top of this amazingly busy schedule, I was called as the relief society president of my ward this year.  This has been such an interesting experience for me.  What's weird is that I thought I knew how I'd react if I got called to this weighty calling, but my reaction was nothing like I expected.  Watching myself go through this has been almost an out of body experience because it has showed me how much I've changed in the past few year, being in college and all...  Let's see, one word to describe my reaction? Scared.  And that's only the tip of the iceburg.  I got called like the 2nd or 3rd day of school, and then wasn't sustained until 2 weeks later, so I couldn't tell anyone outside of my family and roommates.  During those 2 weeks I felt so overwhelmed with fear that I wouldn't be able to do this, that my shyness was going to prevent me from doing what I needed to do, etc.  I lay awake at night, not being able to sleep night after night after night.  I couldn't turn my brain off. Everyone that knew seemed to have such faith in me, and yet I found it hard to find the faith to believe in myself.  The first Sunday that they announced it was probably one of the scariest things I've ever done.  This may sound stupid to some people, but I was literally shaking because I was so nervous.  Don't worry though, this story ends happily, now that it's been a month, I have found great comfort in this calling and have learned to truly love it as I've come to know all of the girls in my ward.  My counselors have been amazing and I don't know what I'd do without them.  Plus my roommates have been such a great support to me as well.  The Lord has truly blessed me beyond what I deserve in order to have the ability to do this calling.  

I could go on and on and on for days about my reaction to this calling, but I won't.  :)  It may sound like I'm comlaining about my hectic schedule, but really I actually love it, and it's been a huge blessing.  My life is finally coming together and I feel happy.  And that's always a good thing, right?  Well that's a very small fraction of what's been on my mind as of late, but I think I will stop there, and save some for later!