I Thank Thee, Oh God, For a Prophet

Today I had the amazing experience of sustaining the new prophet of our church, Russell M. Nelson. I was actually at the conference center back when there was a solemn assembly for Thomas S. Monson and it was such an incredible experience.  I worried that this time around, sitting on my couch just wouldn't be the same.  Fortunately, I was incredibly wrong.

It was such a powerful experience to stand and raise my hand to sustain our new prophet, even though it was just me and Flint watching together.  The spirit was so strong and my eyes got misty because I know that God calls prophets to lead his church.  And I felt the power of the congregation in that conference center and of members all around the world, standing and sustaining our prophet as well.  What a wonderful thing it is to uplift and strengthen one another in our faith and devotion to God and his will.

This week's blog post is short, but I wanted to write down my feelings before I forget them.  Especially since M. Russell Ballard encouraged us to do so in his talk.  President Nelson is called of God.  I know it.  And I can't wait to see what the Lord will do through him.  What an exciting time to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints!

If you are wondering about what I'm talking about- please go to lds.org or I'm always available to answer questions!

All Things Will Work Together For Thy Good

The title of this post is a common phrase heard among Mormons.  I have found myself saying it to others in times of advice and I have definitely found myself saying it to myself when things aren't going well.  But it's such a hard thing to remember when you're in the depths of trial or sorrow, right? I am currently reading the Old Testament as part of my 2018 goal to read all 4 standard works this year.  The Old Testament is often meticulous and hard to get in to, but my most favorite stories seem to come from it.  The story of Abraham is my absolute favorite in all of scripture- so many many lessons to be learned from him.  Today, however, I want to talk about another favorite story of mine- Joseph being sold into Egypt by his brothers.  Or Joseph and the many colored coat, if you will.

I hope this is a familiar story for everyone, but a quick brush up can't hurt, right? Joseph is the 11th of 12 sons of Israel (formerly Jacob) and is the oldest son of Jacob's favorite wife, Rachel.  You know, the Rachel he worked 14 years for? Anyway.  Joseph starts to have dreams that his brothers bow down to him, and he's also the favorite son (colored coat to prove it), which basically ends in a bunch of jealousy and hard feelings and he is sold into Egypt as a slave by his brothers.

To skip ahead in the story a little bit, he ends up in prison since his master's wife accused him of trying to lie with her, even though he was innocent.  And there he spends years.  Years! It is so easy to not realize this because the timeline is summed up in a verse in Genesis, but when you really think about it, this would  have taken a lot of patience to endure.  On top of thinking he would never see his family again and the whole being a slave in the first place thing.

The part that always impresses me the most about Joseph is that he never loses sight of what's truly important.  He never loses his faith.  And he credits God with everything.  He has that eternal perspective.  At the end of the story (once again, skipping ahead), after he has gained great power and such in Egypt and his brothers come and realize who he is, they obviously feel very guilty and sorry and ask for forgiveness.  And this is the impressive part.  Joseph tells them "Fear not; for am I in the place of God? But as for you, ye thought evil against me; but God meant it unto good, to bring to pass, as it is this day, to save much people alive." (Genesis 50: 19-20) Basically he's saying- this was all part of God's plan! Your poor choices still turned into good.  If they hadn't sold Joseph into Egypt, then they wouldn't have been saved from the famine in Canaan all those many years later.  So this had to happen to save his father's family.  All things worked together for Joseph's good.

Sometimes we are victims to others' poor choices.  And we feel trapped, even though we did nothing to get in that situation.  But what a miracle it is that God still is able to bring things together for our benefit.  His plan cannot be ruined by others' choices.  I have definitely experienced this in my life.  Where I have felt hurt and betrayed which resulted in me feeling like I can't experience happiness because what could have been is ruined by others.  (A little "wo is me" attitude).  Fortunately I have also experienced what Joseph describes as well.  All things are possible to God.  All Things.  No, he won't take away anyone's agency, but He will make sure that all things will work together for our good.  And once again, the atonement makes up for any hurt or betrayal we may feel.

So next time you feel like a victim, remember that.  And also remember that waiting on the Lord is something that comes with the territory.  Joseph waited years in prison.  And years after that to see his family again.  It was a long road, but one where he still managed to see the Lord's hand in all things.  All Things.  And that's why he was able to forgive his brethren so quickly and easily.  Something I want to achieve one day.

The Lord is in the details of our lives.  The good, the bad, the ugly.  Often we write gratitude journals or try and focus on all the good things in our lives as signs that God is with us.  But even the bad things in our lives have God in them.  And those things are also a part of God's plan.  They aren't things that happen despite of His plan.  God's hand applies to all aspects of our life.  And what a blessing that is, even if we can't see it at the time.

Ponder Anew, What the Almighty Can Do

Three years ago, I found myself stressing.  In a way that I had never experienced before.  For those of you that know me, I'm very chill and usually do quite well under pressure.  But this was a different kind of pressure.  I found myself in a position of having 0% control and was at the mercy of so many things.  An algorithm (the match), my husband's choices, the residency program directors' choices, etc.  And I went to my dad and asked for a blessing.  I was seeking for something, anything to ease my fears and calm my heart.  

The only thing I remember about that blessing is that he said the Lord was aware of my family and our needs.  And that he would send us to the best place for our family.  Little did I know that that place would be a small town in rural Pennsylvania- Danville.  There have been so many, many times that I have doubted we were in the right place.  From the moment I burst into tears at our match ceremony and found out we were coming here, until the moments leading up to the match this time around.  And here I am, 3 years later, finally understanding why we were sent to Danville.  Danville is where Ben would be able to achieve his dream of becoming a surgeon and I would be able to find a support system to endure the ups and downs of not matching and of just being a surgery resident's wife.  The Lord had both of us in mind when he sent us here.  

Matched.  I'm pretty sure that's the best word in the English language. :) A word that for me, means relief, grace, atonement, progress, celebration and overcoming.  I have visualized posting "MATCHED" on facebook for 3 years now. And I was finally able to.  There is power in visualization.  There is power in never giving up hope that what you want can and will happen, through the grace of God.  

I went to the temple back in November to once again find peace during a trying time.  And the lyrics to the hymn "Praise to the Lord, the Almighty" were brought to my mind.  And I haven't been able to shake them since.  In verse 4 it says, 

Praise to the Lord, who doth prosper thy work and defend thee. 

Who from the heavens the streams of His mercy doth send thee.

Ponder Anew, What the Almighty Can do

Who with His love, doth befriend thee.

All things are possible to God.  Trust Him.  Even if you don't see any possible, logical way that it can happen, that's when we need to ponder anew what God is capable of doing.  As we got the news that we matched, I have been singing (belting) that song out (in my mind, I'm not a singer, LOL) in praise.  It really was possible! And the intricacies of events that happened to allow this to happen are incredible.  And I'm happy to explain to anyone who will listen, but for the sake of not making this post forever long, I will spare you the details.  But as I look back at the last 3 years, so SO many tender mercies have happened along the way to make this possible.  

Here are a few things I have learned in the last 3 years that I want to share:

1. When someone doesn't match (or goes through some other crazy trial), it doesn't help to hear of stories that happened to others in similar situations and then everything worked out.  I have heard so many stories of people who didn't match and then it all worked out for them.  And I do appreciate those stories because they were coming from people who loved and cared about me.  And wanted to comfort me.  But if anyone is reading this post and didn't match, I have something else to say to you.  Just because things worked out this way for me, doesn't mean they will work out this way for you. Putting faith and trust in other people's experiences is building your hope and trust in something false and not steady.  True strength comes from putting your faith and trust in GOD.  When you lean on Him, believing and trusting in His power, that's where you will find relief.  He knows what is best for us.  Know that and trust it! 

2. God takes us into consideration.  Maybe that's a duh moment. But in the past 3 years, I have often felt like "well I guess it doesn't matter what I do or what I think because what's going to happen is going to happen, and I just have to accept that.  And I just have to learn some lesson that I'm not in the mood to learn because God is going to do what He is going to do. I once again have no control."  But that's where I was wrong.  Praying to God is not a me asking and Him denying type of thing. He takes my thoughts, my fears, my loves, my desires into consideration when He makes things possible (or sometimes impossible).  Sometimes it feels like denying because of the timeline.  Waiting on God is so so hard.  But He always, always comes through with our best interest in mind.  

3. Sometimes marriage is hard, even though I have never found being married to Ben hard.  Let me explain.  Ben is the ideal husband.  No really, he is! He is always patient with me.  He never loses his temper.  He always helps around the house without being asked.  He is dedicated to the gospel and to doing the right thing.  He is a wonderful, wonderful father and dedicates his time and love to our children.  He always puts me first when taking anything into consideration.  He is kind, thoughtful, hard working.  But marriage in general is hard sometimes because we are at the mercy of our spouse and our spouse's choices.  Ben was determined to be a surgeon.  I have often thought "why couldn't he have chosen a less competitive specialty?!" And I was at the mercy of his choice.  But what a beautiful thing it is that Ben and I have gone through the best of times and worst of times together in our short (almost!) 5 years of marriage.  Getting through this has made us stronger and will help us face more hardships together in the future.  

4. Sharing success is so much sweeter when you have shared your sorrows and failures.  Not matching can be a shameful thing.  It can be a thing that makes you think you're not good enough and a lot of people don't want to talk about it.  Because we've been so open about our experience, however, when we finally did match, the amount of cheerleaders exploding with happiness on our behalf was overwhelming.  My phone was blowing up all day on Monday with people thrilled beyond belief for us.  When you fail, you often don't want to talk to anyone about it.  But people are kinder than you think they are going to be.  Trust me.  They are more supportive than you think they are going to be. Our group of cheerleaders only grew with each failure that we faced.  And when our time finally came, the celebration was that much sweeter because we had so many people to celebrate with.  

5. And finally, trials are an experience to build faith, not waver in it.  When the going gets tough, that is an opportunity to become closer to God, not farther.  To grow stronger with God, not weaker.  And it took me 3 years to learn that.  And I hope I remember it next time.  God allows trials sometimes because our faith needs to be built.  Our trust in Him needs to grow.  

I am unable to truly explain to you the feeling of relief we experienced this week.  And I am unable to fully express my gratitude to our cheerleaders and to God.  But what a wonderful problem that is, right? 

The mercy of failing

*inhales deep breath for courage* This post has been a long time coming.  But it's something that I feel very passionate about and want to finally share with others.  Some of you may already know this story, but that's ok, you can enjoy it again! :)

I was a golden child in high school.  Practically perfect grades, took all honors classes, made all of the right choices. I did all of the right things to get into BYU- which was what I wanted more than anything at the time.  When the acceptance letter came, I was elated! But not really surprised.

I'll spare you the sad sob story of how I got out to BYU and crumpled from the extreme homesickness I felt and my inability to cope with the new lifestyle that college brought. I'll just say that it was hard.  I thought the solution to my problem would be to move to a new place and get a fresh start, which I did.  But nothing really changed because I wasn't really addressing the underlying problem (re: my non existent social life/loneliness). And having connections with people is a huge deal.  Even the most introverted of people needs human interaction.  And not just any kind of interaction, but deep, meaningful interaction.

As my depression and loneliness slowly started taking over my life, it led to a string of choices.  It started with choosing to not go a class one day.  Then not to go to another class and another class and another one.  You can imagine where I'm going with this.  I would literally go a week without stepping foot onto campus at all.  Sometimes more than that.  As you can imagine, my grades plummeted.  I got a letter in the mail from the academic office saying that I had a warning and that if I didn't shape up, more action would be needed.  Then after another semester and similar choices, probation happened. Probation meant that I had one more chance to either shape up or get suspended.

During my probation semester, I got called as the relief society president of my singles ward.  And although it was a lot of responsibility (I had 100 girls in my ward), I truly loved it and I grew to love the girls.  Most importantly, however, I grew to love my bishopric and became very close to my bishop.  He was the one that I finally broke down and told about my academic struggles.  Not even my family really knew what was going on.

I continued to not go to class during that probation semester.  What was I thinking, you may ask? I honestly couldn't tell you except that I was not.  I just couldn't handle it.  And there would be this vicious cycle of depression which made it even harder to go, so I wouldn't, which would make it even harder to go, etc.  So towards the end of the semester, I found myself in my bishop's office, crying, knowing what was going to happen.  And he offered to give me a blessing.  In the blessing he repeated over and over that the Lord would have mercy on me.  And I remember thinking, "wow, I'm not going to be suspended! The Lord can perform miracles, so this is going to work out!" Boy was I wrong.

I got my grades back.  I got the letter.  And I got suspended for a year.

I had failed.

Do you know what it feels like to fail? In something really big? Like, I just destroyed my future, big? For your sake, I hope you haven't.  Let me try and explain it to you. I woke up every single morning after that for years with a wave of "You are a failure" washing over me.  And on top of that, I looked at how I had gotten to that point, and I had literally no one else to blame but myself.  My choices got me there.  Not my inadequacies or short comings.  But my choices.  It was entirely, 100% my fault.  And the more poor choices I made, the fewer options I had.  To the point where I had no options because suspension was chosen for me.  I would sit in church, listening to how God makes all of the difference, and thought, "well that doesn't apply to me because I put myself here."  Any dreams for my future in grad school were thrown away.  And here I was, a prisoner to my own self.  

I stayed out in Provo even though I wasn't currently attending school.  And I actually stayed away from BYU for a year and a half because I apparently wasn't ready to go back after the year.  But something happened to me that first semester back.  And lots of things happened to me during that year and a half away.  I experienced mercy.  And I learned that our God, indeed, is a merciful God.  

And even though I just took a really long time to explain my failure, what I want to focus on today is mercy.  And what I learned about all of those years ago.  During my first semester back, my relief society president (I had moved and was in a different ward now) called me and challenged me to put all of my effort into praying genuine prayers that week because she was teaching a lesson about prayer that upcoming Sunday and wanted me to share my experience.  So I agreed. And I prayed, boy did I pray.  And poured out my soul to my Heavenly Father that week, in a way that I hadn't in a very long time.  

And somehow, in God's infinite mercy, I saw a glimpse of myself.  Of my true self.  And all of the potential that I have.  And it was a huge wake up call to me.  Why would God throw away all of this potential that I have just because I had made a mistake? Or a lot of them for that matter? God needs me to be an instrument in His hands, despite how imperfect I am.  And I saw that.  I saw that even though I had failed, failing was not going to define my life. And I was still capable of living a full, joyful life.  He still wanted to use me for great things.  I still had infinite potential to accomplish marvelous things.  

But how was this possible? And a small thought entered my head: mercy.  God had mercy on me.  And that is one of the most beautiful things in the world.  And he continues to have mercy on me every single day.  And that mercy is a part of the atonement. He makes up for our failures.  Even when we are the ones that put ourselves in that position.  If we are willing to come unto him,  He will show us mercy.  Because He loves us.  Because He knew that we would make mistakes.  Just like Adam and Eve.  He provided them with a savior and way to overcome the fact that they disobeyed him.  Yes, they still got kicked out of the garden of Eden, but they still lived lives of joy.  They drew close to the Lord and were able to have posterity and happiness. He had mercy on them.  

And that, my friends, is one of the beautiful things about life.  We are all going to fail.  In big ways sometimes, and in small ways.  But that's ok, because the Lord provided a way for us to overcome that.  There is always a way back.  

Since then, I have learned so much about myself.  And I have lived a life full of joy and love.  A life I didn't think was possible when I got that suspension notice long ago.  But I'm glad that through God, all things are possible.  Through his mercy, I found love for myself, and saw the way He loves me, even if just for a moment.  He has bigger and better plans for us than we can even imagine.  And for that, I am grateful.  

"Oh I could never do that"

I am a surgeon's wife.  Or to be more specific, a surgery resident's wife.  Because of this, I am often met with people saying things to me like "Oh I could never do that," "I could never raise children being so far away from family" "I could never live with the schedule your husband works" or something along those lines.  And while I am used to hearing these things, it has really got me thinking lately.

A dear friend of mine, Emily, who was originally my Young Women's leader when I was a teenager, was diagnosed with MS years ago.  I remember being so saddened by this news (I believe I was at BYU when it happened) and thought "Wow she is so strong, I could never do that."  And then one Sunday I was visiting St. Louis in my home ward and was sitting in Relief Society.  I don't remember the topic of the lesson, or even who the teacher was.  But what I do remember is a comment my friend Emily made.  She talked about how people often say to her "you are so strong, I could never do that" (and of course I immediately thought, yep I think that), and she's like, but why? Why do you think I'm strong enough? Before I was diagnosed, I would have said that same thing, but here I am, dealing with it, and have found that you rise to your circumstances.  And with God's support, you become strong and are able to handle whatever comes your way.  (I will admit those were probably not her exact words, but the message is still the same.) But wow what a message, right?

Why do we think we can't do hard things? Of course none of us will ever wish illness upon ourselves, or any hardship for that matter, but what if we approached our trials with a different perspective? A more eternal perspective.  Two years ago I was saying things like "I can't even handle the thought of not matching." And then we didn't match.  And then a year ago I was like "I can't even if we don't match again." And we didn't.  And now here I am- I survived those two years! And I have learned that I'm approaching this year's match differently.  What if we don't match? You know what- God will  provide! He always does! And I can handle it.  I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.

So yes, Ben's schedule is hard.  Super hard.  But here I am, handling it.  And you could too if you were in my shoes.  And I have children and I don't live by my parents (which sucks).  But you know what? Here I am, handling it.  And you can too.  The Lord provides and makes up the difference for when you "can't even." I have an amazing tribe of women here in Danville that have become my family.  And the Lord has blessed me with that.  It's what I needed to handle the hardships I face.

When we tell ourselves that we can't do something, we are limiting ourselves.  A girl said to me the other day that she just knows that she is the type of person that couldn't handle raising children while away from her family.  Because she knows herself.  I'd like to challenge that thinking though.  You don't know yourself like you think you do.  God knows the real you, the true you.  Only he knows what you are truly capable of.

To go off of my last post- a lot of dealing with my shyness has been in direct correlation to what I'm talking about today.  I had just accepted that I was shy and that I couldn't do certain things, like approach someone I didn't know.  Or speak out in a group of outgoing people.  But as I drew closer to God, and my confidence in my ability to overcome my shyness increased, I realized that God knew I had it in me the whole time.  I just didn't.  I thought I had figured myself out.  But I was wrong.  And I'm glad that I was.

I had a major break through with myself when I went to Israel.  I was able to break out of my shell and make some life long friends.  As I pondered on this, and thanked God over and over again for helping me reach out to people and make friends quickly, I suddenly realized that I had never felt more like myself in my entire life.  And the spirit whispered to me, "This is the Grace that I created, take her home with you."

The person that God created is the real you.  The true you.  And that person can do hard things.  I can do hard things.  And it is by doing hard things that you come to learn this about yourself and come to see the person that God created.  So just think about that the next time you think "Oh I know myself and I could never do that." Because the odds are, it isn't true.  We were all made as beings with everlasting and divine potential.  We were not made to fail.  And if we do fail (which we will), God will make up the difference.