Here am I, Send Me

....oh hey.... It's been a while.  I traveled during the summer and really got out of my blogging groove.  So for those few that actually read this thing, I apologize.  And trust me, I have strongly considered just not blogging anymore (at least not on a regular basis), but I've been really inspired lately, especially after attending a women's conference this weekend, but I can't help but type out some of my thoughts.

It has also been hard to blog for the past 3 months because, well, I have found myself drowning a little bit in the realities of life.  Mainly in the reality that I am a single parent most of the time due to my husband's work schedule on top of just all of the hardships that motherhood brings in the first place.  I don't tell you this to get pity or for you to think "oh poor Grace," but I tell you because I believe in real talk in an effort to get through this life together, with all of you.

A few things uplifted me within the past few days and I have found a renewed strength.  I taught Sunday school this past Sunday and my topic was Isaiah chapters 1-6.  Yikes right?  But in chapter 6, it talks about the call of Isaiah.  The Lord comes to him and asks him to do some really hard things and what is his response? "Here am I, send me" Don't those words sound familiar? They are the same words that Christ said when asked to come and atone for all of our sins and doing something really really hard.

So sometimes I think we don't look at our trials this way.  We don't look at hard things we are faced with as callings, per se.  But aren't they? God has a plan for each and every one of us.  And guess what? That plan includes extreme hardships! And God knew ahead of time that we would be going through these things.  But he also knew that we could get through them- which is why, in a sense, he has called us to them.  So I can sit here and wallow in self pity and ask "why me, God?" or I can say, "Here am I, send me."  Let me face these challenges that you yourself prepared me for, God.  Give me the strength that only you can give me.  I trust you and I have faith that I can do all things with that strength.

I often lose my eternal perspective, especially in the face of a long enduring trial that doesn't seem to have an end in sight.  And I need constant reminders that God is by my side and will help me through it.  But he is also perfectly patient and 100% willing to send all of the reminders that I need, especially if I am willing to ask for them.  I want to follow God's plan for me.  I want to face everything he has in store for me with a "Here am I, send me" attitude.

I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. - Philippians 4:13

Investing

So we have been living in our house for a little over 2 months now, and I just have to say that I absolutely love it.  Pretty much everything about it. And it's not just about my house, but it's more than that. I love my neighborhood, and especially the new neighbors I have been blessed with.  None of my neighbors are LDS like I am, but they are all very Christian and very active in their own churches.  And I have been nothing short of uplifted every time I interact with them.  I have already become close with two of them since they live right across the street from me and right next to me and we all have kids the same ages. (Hallelujah!) There are so many benefits to my new situation, one of them being the ease of God being a part of our every day conversations.  It is amazing to me how easily we all talk about our relationships with God and how God has blessed our lives.  And it has just been a huge testimony to me that God, once again, knew what he was doing with waiting for us to match for two years.  

I always thought that this whole plan of us being in Danville revolved around Ben (meaning originally).  But the more I invest myself in my ward (congregation), my community, and now my new neighborhood, I realize how much of this plan is for me too.  God had me in mind.  He knew all along that the very best place for me to be was in this house with these neighbors, etc.  I am truly blessed.  

But I want to dive even deeper into why I am blessed.  And it has to do with this idea of investing.  Investing myself.  We all have our own God given talents that we can use for good and we can use to plug into a community.  But how many times do we not do so? It goes along with my idea of embracing that I have discussed before.  But when you truly invest yourself, your time, your talents into your surroundings, that's when you will experience the most happiness and the deep relationships that we as humans crave.  

As I've been pondering this, I've realized that there are really no drawbacks in investing yourself into your surroundings.  And I truly think this applies to everything.  Invest yourself in your family.  Invest yourself into your spouse's family. Invest yourself into your congregation, neighborhood, community, your coworkers, or basically anyone that is around you.  And in my experience, you will only be blessed by it.  And people often say to me, "Oh well that is so great that you have that ability to relate to others and reach out to them!" In a way of "Oh I could never do that."  But let me let you in on a little secret.  It scares me every time to reach out to people I don't know.  To put myself out there.  To sum it up in one word, to be vulnerable.  But I still do it because I believe so much in this concept of investing myself to the fullest of my ability.  And it's always a huge pay off.  Which is what the goal of an investment is, right?

Putting yourself out there pays off.  Even if it's awkward.  Even if it's scary.  And I'll say it.  Even if the relationship ends poorly.  Because you won't live with regrets.  I don't mean to sound preachy.  But I've just come so far in my 30 years of battling extreme shyness (social anxiety?).  And I feel like I have learned so much with how to cope with those feelings of fear and doubt and awkwardness.  And I just like to share them because I know that so many people feel those same feelings that I feel and I want to empower people (even if it's just one person) with the motivation to know that battling shyness and fear is something that is worth doing.  It's an investment you don't want to miss out on.  Because we all have so much to offer each other.  I have learned that in the short time I have talked with my new neighbors.  They have already offered so much to me and I hope I to them.  And I have learned so much from all of the people in my ward and with the friendships I have made these last two years.  Giving of yourself is the best gift you can give because all involved are blessed by it.

So I guess I can sum up my thoughts in one word- Invest!! 

Unplugging

I didn't blog last week.  But there was a reason.  I decided to take the social media fast for 7 days.  And I kind of decided to just unplug from most things for a week because I recognized that I really needed it.  It was eye opening to me how hard it was for me to delete my instagram app on my phone.  I have deleted my facebook app multiple times before. And have always felt better after unplugging.  But this was my first time giving up Instagram, and my blog, and all of the things that I felt was forcing me to look at my phone constantly.  Or that I felt was putting pressure on me in any way.

And I feel renewed.  And I feel like a solid bad habit was broken.  Yes, I have since reinstalled instagram on my phone. But I feel like I have looked at it a lot less and haven't had that urge to scroll as much.  Now of course I'm going to have to keep this in check because it will be *so* easy to fall right back into allowing Instagram to consume my life.

But I guess the main point here is this.  We always have these things that consume our lives.  And for some reason or another, we just can't seem to break away.  And there's all of these reasons in our minds as to why we can't give it up.  " But then I won't know when so and so had their baby." or "But then I won't know what happens next in the next season of that really inappropriate show I shouldn't be watching in the first place." or "but this is keeping me connected to my friends."  But at what cost? At the cost of melting your brains cells from staring at a screen all day? At missing out on building relationships with the people right in front of you? Of telling your children that your phone/computer is more important to you than they are?

I took an inventory of my life and I realize that I need to unplug way more often.  And I need to figure out a system that works.  Because there is of course so much good that comes from social media.  But it doesn't need to consume my life.  And the weirdest part? Is that once I deleted my app- after the first initial day of shock, I didn't even miss all of the things that I was so worried about missing.  Because I was filling my time with much more fulfilling things.  It's funny how sometimes we think it's going to be so so hard to give something up and we are so afraid to do it.  But then once we do, it somehow wasn't that bad.  And the benefits far outweighs the downsides.  And that lesson can definitely be applied in other areas of life.

Even with having children, for example.  It can be really daunting to start a family.  Because you are giving up your freedom.  You are giving up your spontaneity, your sleep, your free time, your stain free clothing, your ability to give people rides in the back seat of your car without moving huge carseats, your money to spend on yourself freely, your clean toy free home, and so much more.  But wow do the benefits outweigh all of that.  Right? You gain unconditional love, a little person that loves you even when you just lost your cool with them 30 seconds ago, a little person that thinks you are the coolest person in the world that knows everything about everything, the magic of seeing someone go to the zoo for the first time, that feeling where they are inconsolable and yet you are that person that can calm them down, that feeling of just wanting a break and then as soon as they go to bed, you pull your phone out to look at pictures of them and miss them, the opportunity to watch your spouse become a parent, allowing you to appreciate them in an entirely new way, and so SO much more.

Sacrificing little conveniences in our lives can often lead to the great blessings.  I read "A Gentleman in Moscow" a while back.  (amazing read if you are looking for one) And the main character at one point says that it is the inconveniences in his life that have ended up bringing him the most joy.  And that has really stuck with me.  Doing convenient, easy things, doesn't bring you true happiness.  Yes it brings you immediate pleasure sometimes, but it doesn't last.  Unplugging from that little thing that you are maybe a little too addicted to is maybe the answer to that prayer you keep repeating over and over.

So here it is. What I pondered during my 7 day fast.  And I'm glad I did it.  And I want to figure out how to unplug more from things that aren't bringing joy into my life. And I want to plug in to things that make me truly happy.

Be One

I was able to watch the "Be One" celebration over the weekend for our church.  It was a celebration of the 40th anniversary of allowing all worthy men to be ordained to the priesthood.  And it was particularly celebrating the event of black men being able to receive the priesthood.  I cannot begin to describe how inspiring this program was!

I am so grateful for how much the African American culture has brought to our church, and watching this program made me realize how much I truly have to learn from their stories.  Black American pioneer stories as well as Black African pioneer stories.  When I use the word pioneer, I mean new to the gospel, not necessarily people who walked the plains (although there were a few accounts of blacks who walked the plains as well.) It is truly amazing to me how much they have gone through with racism, prejudice and segregation and yet their stories tell of only strength, persistence, and faith in the one true God.  The stories of the hardships that were shared during the program gave me renewed strength in facing my own hardships in life.

And wow was that music powerful! I still cannot get over it.  (I watched it today actually).  And that opening song by the choir brought me to tears immediately and I just cried throughout the rest of the program.  Gospel music is so so powerful.  Reverent music can bring the spirit as well, but I have to be honest.  I feel it much more strongly when people are raising their voices in grand amens, praising the Lord with all that they have.  That's what inspires me.  And that's what the African American community has brought to our church.  And I only hope to see more of it!

I just have to share the lyrics of the opening song they sang, "More than I Can Bear." Because those words were just so so beautiful and touched me so deeply.

I've gone through the fire

And I've been through the flood

I've been broken into pieces

Seen lightning flashing from above

But through it all, I remember

That he loves me

And he cares

And he'll never put more on me

Than I can Bear

...

His Word said he won't

I Believe It

I received it

I claim it

It's mine

(my deliverance)

It's mine

(My healing)

It's mine

(my joy)

No He'll never put more on me

Than I can Bear

Powerful stuff. Now imagine listening to it with a huge choir of powerful voices, giving it all they've got.  Mind. Blown.  (Look it up on you tube, seriously). The African American community has gone through so so much in American history and the history of the world.  And yet through it all, they have so much strength to offer and they are such an example of faith to me.  And they still go through so much.  Seeing the meshing of their culture with our church culture was so so cool.  And I'm just happy this program was put on and that I got to be a part of it (in the viewing it from my couch sort of way.) 

I'm so glad we have opportunities to learn from each other. And that through sharing our differences and our experiences with each other, we can truly work towards becoming one.  We can all do better with our own prejudices and to do that we must be willing to learn from one another and "Be One," as the title of the program suggests.  I know hearing different experiences of Black members of our church through this program has inspired me in so many ways.  I want to be better and to do all that I can to become one with all of my brothers and sisters of the world. 

Excuses

A quote that has stuck out to me for a while now is "she realized none of it was real and set herself free." Confession: I have no idea who said this.  But it has still resonated with me.  When I was in the depths of sorrow because of failing out of BYU, I just couldn't seem to get it together. I couldn't take control of my own life somehow.  And I finally decided to read a book my grandma recommended to me called, Excuses Begone.  I probably would have been super reluctant to read this book based on the title alone since it seemed really cheesy to me, but I'm really glad that I did.

The premise of the book is basically that we have these problems in our life and then we have a huge list of reasons why we solve them, or excuses if you will.  Things like, "my family would think less of me," "I don't have the money," "I don't have the time," etc.  And I just realized (over a process of time of course) that when I sat down and looked at reality, there wasn't anything real that was holding me back from succeeding and taking back control of my life.  The only thing that was stopping me, was me.

The book is really good because it goes through all of the excuses and basically debunks them and shows you that most of the time, it is really just all in your head of why you can or can't do something.  And that if you are truly passionate about something, you find a way to do it no matter what.  And that is something that I wanted in my life.  I didn't want to be held back.  I wanted to face the world, full of passion, and not let anything stop me from doing so.

The main one that I think a lot of us deal with is worrying about what other people are going to think if we make a change in our lives.  And this can be anything from a small change to a big change.  But why are we letting that stop us? Why are we letting other people control our lives when we should be the one in charge? And most of the time, the people aren't really thinking what we are so afraid they will think.

The other one is being afraid of hard work.  I limit myself on so many things in life because "Oh that would just be too hard." But why do we do this to ourselves? Aren't we all capable of doing hard things? We tell ourselves that we can't do things.  But guess what? We can! I have learned this over and over and over.  I'm faced with a situation where I just don't think I can do it.  But then I'm forced to do it anyway and somehow pull through. We are capable of so much more than we give ourselves credit for.  I never thought I'd be doing a lot of the stuff that I'm doing now, but somehow it has worked out.  And I need to remember that as I go into the future.  Hard work always pays off.  Especially if it's something worth working for.

Becoming self aware and aware of reality is a hard, but important thing to do.  It will help you get rid of those excuses in your head.  It will help you take control of your life, and most importantly it will set you free!

Lessons from Rahab

You'll have to excuse my constant blog posts about the Old Testament.  As I've said before, I teach gospel doctrine at church every Sunday, so needless to say, it's on my mind.  Plus the Old Testament is so rich and full of good, amazing stuff! Going through it this time around has been such an amazing experience.  Especially since I have been to so many of the places it talks about in there.  Truly amazing.

My lesson today was on the book of Joshua and wow there is a lot of good stuff in there! One particular point, that stuck out to me this time around, is in the story of Rahab.  Joshua needed to defeat the city of Jericho, which was walled up, so he sent over two spies to check everything out.  They were sought after by the people of Jericho and Rahab, a harlot, helped them by hiding them in her home.  In exchange for helping them, she asked that when Jericho was destroyed, the Israelites would save her and her family.  The two spies complied and swore an oath to her.  Jericho was destroyed and her family was saved.

There's a lot more to the story of Joshua and Jericho, but I particularly wanted to focus on Rahab and what we can learn from her since a) she's a woman in the Bible with a story (those are hard to come by) and b) there's a great lesson to be learned from her.

Rahab was a harlot, and therefore was probably not living the most faithful life.  The Lord, however, still saw fit to use her.  He took an imperfect person and he used her in his plan for the Israelites to conquer Jericho.  She was able to be an instrument in his hands, despite her "life of sin."  And the spies could have looked at her and said, "Yeah she's not someone we want to interact with."  But they didn't.  They accepted her help and were able to conquer Jericho because of it.

So sometimes we may feel inadequate because we are imperfect.  We may feel that we are not worthy of being an instrument in the Lord's hands.  But that simply isn't true.  And Rahab teaches us that.  The Lord knows our true potential.  He knows that we are imperfect and have flaws.  And yet he still needs us.  He still wants us to come unto Him and be perfected through Him.  And what a blessing right? If he only used perfect people, he wouldn't have anyone to use!  Anyone, and I mean anyone can be an instrument in the Lord's hands.  If we seek him and submit to His will, we can do all things through Christ.

Rahab was imperfect.  Pretty much everyone in the Bible was imperfect (except Christ of course!).  I am imperfect and you are imperfect.  And sometimes we really mess up.  And get to a point where it feels impossible to come back.  But it's never too late to come back.  And there's no such thing as being too deep in to resurface.  The Lord can and will use you, if you just let him.  And he can perfect you and make you whole.  Through the power of the atonement, we can become stronger and be used by the Lord for good.

Thank goodness for the Lord and his infinite mercy.  And thank goodness for Rahab and her story.  She plays a seemingly small part in the Old Testament, but yet there are big lessons to learn from her.

Imperfection

I'm a perfectionist.  And I'm sure you can relate.  I make a goal, let's say to eat healthy, for a week.  And then I do really well for a few days.  And then Wednesday comes and opportunities for something delicious like cookies comes my way.  So I indulge and then basically say to myself, "welp, I guess the week is shot" and then eat lots of cookies the rest of the week.  Flawed thinking, right?

But don't we all do this all of the time? Where we are confronted with failure, hardship, etc and then just give up? Learning to overcome those failures and keep trying is what is going to get us to where we want to be.

Something I always think of watching Flint learn how to walk.  He could take a few steps for such a long time.  He would take a few steps and then fall over.  And once he fell over, he would just crawl to wherever he was trying to get.  We kept trying to teach him to no fall back on crawling, but it still took him a few months to get it.  The true breakthrough, however, came when he learned to get up.  When he learned how to stand back up after falling down.  And I realized that I need to do this too.  Or else I will never learn to "walk."

There are all of those cheesy quotes out there like "You don't really fail until you give up trying" but dang it, it's true!

So I guess what I'm saying is that I missed writing in my blog last week.  And I have been tempted all day to just not write anymore and be done with this.  But I'm not going to! I made a goal to write every week this year.  And maybe I missed a week by one day, but that's ok.  Gotta keep going.

Be Still My Soul

Life is good.  I've just been overwhelmed today with love and gratitude for a Heavenly Father that has blessed me in abundance.  It just kind of all hit me at once this weekend.  I have an amazing husband with a solid surgeon job (which was his dream) for the next 5 years.  A husband that stayed awake for 36 hours straight to install our new dishwasher.  And then stayed up again until 1 am last night putting the kitchen back together again while I slept.  I have a new home that is slowly but surely coming together that I just absolutely love.  Being here just makes me happy.  Going out into our peaceful yard and watching Flint jump on the trampoline or play in the sand just makes my day.  The weather has finally decided to warm up and I've got the sunburn to prove it.  But I'm grateful for that sunburn because I'm grateful for the sun.  I have a beautiful baby girl who brings me joy and is loved by her family fiercely.  Basically, I really do feel like I have it all.

And it's crazy to think that all of that frustration and anxiety I felt over the last 3 years has just melted away.  God really did have it all planned out from the beginning and here I am, experiencing the blessings that he had in store for me all along.  His hand was in the minute details of my life.  Of my family's life.  I know other hard times will come, they always do.  But for now, I just want to thank God for everything.  The lows, the highs, and the in-betweens.  I want to remember what this feels like- which is why I'm writing it down.  God has always had my back and He always will.

I remember when I first felt "converted" to God.  I was 14, attending my grandmama's funeral.  For the first time in my life, I really needed to know if this whole claim that I would see my grandmama again was legit.  I prayed like I had never prayed before.  During the service, a missionary sang "Be Still My Soul."  His voice wasn't spectacular, but the spirit that was brought into that room was undeniable.  Those lyrics burned within me.  And I knew it was all true.  I knew.

I feel like that day was a keystone to my faith.  I look back on that day, and rehearse those lyrics in my mind constantly.  They bring me peace like nothing else can.  And the more time that passes, the more significant that day has become to me.  I will forever be grateful for that song.  And different lyrics bring me peace at different times in my life.  During the last 3 years, the lyrics, "to guide the future as he has the past" have been particularly significant.  God has always guided my past.  And time and hindsight have allowed me to see that.  So I must have faith that he will always, always guide my future.  And now that I'm sitting on the other side of the "match day trial," I see once again that that promise has held true.

God is good and he wants to bless us with more than we can fathom.  I have learned this lesson so many times and yet it still astonishes me how much the Lord is truly on my side. Be still my soul, the Lord is on thy side.  With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.  Leave to thy God to order and provide. In every change, He faithful will remain.  Be Still, my soul.  They best, thy heavenly friend.  Through thorny ways, leads to a joyful end.  

The Red Couch

I have this red couch.  Dark red.  We bought it off of a 4th year medical student when we first got married because our brown leather couch had a huge tear right in the middle of it.  It was cheap and we needed a couch.  I have hated it since the minute we got it.  Red just isn't my color.

Well we just bought a new house, and as I've been trying to style it and come up with how I want things decorated, I just became more and more annoyed that we have a red couch. So I started looking into buying other couches.  Prettier (way more expensive) couches that would fit into my decor style better.  And I only came out even more frustrated because we just simply couldn't afford it.  Or I could blow all of our new house money on a couch and then be left with nothing else to spend on other stuff.  Sigh.  (I know, I know, first world problems...)

And I finally came to a simple decision.  A decision that I've made many times before in other aspects of my life and yet once again had forgotten the value of embracing.  I needed to embrace the red couch.  Embrace it for exactly what it is and stop wishing that it would be different.  So I started researching how to style dark red couches, and what do you know! A lot of what I found fit into my design aesthetic.  All of the sudden I stopped wishing for a different couch and have even become grateful that our couch is this color because it just fits so perfectly into our living room that I have laid out. Hey, I'm even sitting on this red couch right now.  And loving it! :)

And I was just reminded once again of the importance of embracing.  I really, truly feel that it is the secret to life.  Embrace change as it comes, because you can't escape it.  Embrace people as they are, because you can't change them.  And embrace the circumstances that you are in, because so many things are often out of our control.  It is so easy to get frustrated with well... pretty much anything right? People offend you, they aren't socially aware, they do stupid things, they don't parent their children how you think they should, they are flaky, they disappoint, and the list goes on.  But everyone has good in them.  Everyone. When you embrace someone for who they are, you are accepting that they have faults and you are giving them the benefit of the doubt.  You are trusting that they are trying their best and need forgiveness, just like you do.  You are also seeing the good in them and recognize the amazing qualities that God gave to them.  You appreciate the positives they add to your life.  When you embrace, you honestly live a happier, less frustrating life.  Trust me!

I feel like I have been able to truly love where I live because I have embraced Danville, PA for what it is.  Of course I have my times where I miss my "big city living," but there are so SO many wonderful things about living in a rural small town in central PA.  The people here are amazing, community driven people. The scenery around here is absolutely gorgeous and it is so fun to get out and explore it all.  And going to all of the small town festivals and parades has truly been a blast for me and my family.  This little town (and surrounding areas) has so much to offer.  I am blessed to be here.  But I wouldn't feel blessed if I hadn't learned to embrace it all.

I have written about this before, but the best piece of advice I have ever received was when I was in Jerusalem, getting ready to fly home.  It was my last day there and I was going home to graduate from BYU the next day and move on into the adult world.  I asked my director's wife for her best piece of life advice and she said "unpack your bags." Whenever you face change, and a new place, unpack your bags.  It doesn't matter if you are going to be somewhere for a few weeks, a few months, or a few years.  Throw yourself into your ward, community, job, etc and act like you are never leaving.  Love everyone around you, explore everywhere around you, and embrace the circumstances that face you.  That is what will make you happy.  And I have to say, I couldn't agree with her more.  Especially after all of the changes I have gone through since that last day in Jerusalem.  

So embrace that red couch in your life.  Seriously- it will change you for the better!

It takes a village

Life update: We bought a house!! And I cannot begin to tell you how extremely excited we are about it.  Like seriously- we love love LOVE it.  Ben had this last week of work off and we hit the ground running getting the house ready to move into.  We closed on Monday and then moved all of our stuff over yesterday.  So that's why my blog post is super late this week.  But totally worth it.  We woke up every morning and then did house stuff until midnight or later every night.  It was crazy but so so good and so so worth it.  Yes we spent way more time at Home Depot than I originally planned (and I had planned on going a lot), but I'm so happy with the progress we have already made. I will post pictures and such once we get a little more unpacking under our belts.  Most of the work we did this week was painting.  We decided to paint the entire inside of the house.  Literally every room. We even ended up painting the ceilings, which put us behind schedule, but it was definitely worth it.  It looks great now!  We still need to paint our master bedroom and bathroom, but other than that, we got it all done! I'm still amazed.

But that brings me to my topic for today.  Community.  Unity.  Zion.  When I first moved to Danville, I was so so afraid of being away from my parents.  Because they did SO much for us while we were living close.  Helped us with anything we needed, I could always trust them to take care of Flint if I needed them to, and they were always feeding us like crazy.  What was I going to do without them?  Well although I am not related by blood to anyone in Danville, I have definitely felt a part of a family.  When people found out we were moving, I was overwhelmed with the amount of people asking me how they could help.  I could not believe it! Since so many people asked how they could help, I sent out a group text to my church peeps just saying we would do a painting party for anyone that wanted to come. So many people showed up and we got the entire house's first coat done in mere hours.  I still can't believe it.  And then yesterday, when we were getting ready to move again for the 3rd time in Danville and in 2 years, 16 people showed up at our door step to help.  And some kids even came and helped out! I am seriously blown away.  We got the entire move done from start to finish in 2.5 hours.  I can't believe it.  I seriously can't believe it.  And I'm overwhelmed with gratitude and love for my people.  The people that took Flint during the week so we could get more done, the people who brought us food so we did't have to eat yet another frozen pizza, the people that painted with a smile on their face, and the people that offered help and I didn't even take them up on it because I already had so much help.

To sum it up, I think I felt a little taste of what heaven is going to be like.  Lots of awesome people, knit together in love and unity, and helping each other.  Seeing a need and filling it.  That's what I think heaven is really going to be like.  And what a glorious feeling it was to get a taste of it this week.  Once again, God knew what he was doing when he sent me to Danville.  He knew that although I would be away from my blood related family, I would still have a family to lean on and boost me up when I needed it the most.  It takes a village of people to raise a family.  That's what they say at least.  And I definitely think that's true.  All I can say is that I've been surrounded by angels this past week (or all along really) and I couldn't be more grateful.  What a wonderful community I have become a part of.

I hope I can be better at seeing needs in others and filling them.  I hope to become like the people that helped me this week.  God is good, people are good, life is GOOD!

More lessons from Joseph

Now that I am not working with the Young Women anymore, I have been asked to teach Gospel Doctrine, or adult Sunday school.  And I'm super excited about it because this year we are studying the Old Testament which I absolutely love.

I taught my first lesson this past Sunday and the topic was Joseph in Egypt, which was perfect timing considering my post from two weeks ago.  As I really dove into the story again, even though I had just read it, it was amazing to me how many things we can truly learn from this story.  I could probably continue with a "lessons from Joseph" mini series for the blog.  But for now, I will stick to just one more.

As you know, I've been seriously contemplating what faith means, and now what trust in God means. And wow is Joseph the perfect example of both things.  Something just clicked this time as I read the story about why our faith and trust in God matter.  And it comes down to being prepared.  Being spiritually prepared.  The story of Joseph shows us great examples of being spiritually prepared, but also of being temporally prepared.  The temporal preparedness would obviously be him leading Egypt to storing lots of food during their 7 years of plenty so that they had enough to live on and sell to others during the 7 years of famine.  But his spiritual preparedness is what allowed him to get to that point.  His faith during times of hardship is what made the big difference.

When Joseph was put into prison for something he did not even do, it would have been so easy for him to say "Ok well I guess God has forgotten me."  It would have been so easy for him to turn bitter.  Or if nothing else, it would have at least been easy for him to become complacent in his faith and just kind of apathetically exist.  To know that God is there, but not really do anything about it.  I know there have been times in my life where I have felt God has forgotten me.  But there have been even more times where times got tough and I didn't necessarily say "Ok God forgot me," but I just kind of sat on the bench for the while, waiting (in a very apathetic manner) for whatever it was to pass.  Like with the match, (I know, I talk about this a lot, but it's my life right now) I kind of just threw my hands up in the air and said "You know what? God is going to do what he's going to do.  Me praying about it won't change anything.  Me exercising faith won't change anything. What's going to happen is just going to happen." And Joseph could have easily said that same thing when he was thrown into prison.  Or he could have at least gotten to that point after a year. Or two years.

But he didn't. He kept the faith.  He kept his trust in God strong.  He built his faith even more, so that when that opportunity came, he would be prepared. He would be ready.  And you know what? That opportunity did come. When he was given the chance to interpret dreams, he was ready to do so.  With the help and power of God.  But what if he had just been sitting there, kind of just existing, waiting for something to happen and hadn't strengthened his faith? What if he hadn't been spiritually prepared to interpret those dreams? His story would have gone a little differently.  Joseph's faith mattered.  It mattered in his own outcome, it mattered to those other men in prison, it mattered to the Pharaoh, it mattered to all of Egypt, and it ultimately mattered to all of the surrounding areas and therefore to his family and their future.  The faith of a single person can truly change the world.  It cannot only make a difference but the difference.

I want to remember this lesson.  I want to take my hard times and turn them into opportunities to build my faith.  Take them as opportunities to bulk up my spiritual reservoir so that when the time comes, I will be ready, and I can make a difference.  What a blessing it is to have the scriptures to teach us lessons like this.  If I trust God, everything else will all work out.  Joseph knew that, and I'm so glad he did.

An Open Letter to my Young Women

Dear Young Woman,

I hope you know what an absolute delight it was serving with you during my year and a half with the youth.  And I hope you learned something from me.  I hope I was a good example of what a faithful woman is to you.  And I am going to miss seeing you twice a week, coming together to have fun, serve others, and draw closer to our Savior.

I hope you know how important it is to know, and I mean truly know that you are a daughter of God.  That knowledge brings power.  That knowledge brings confidence.  And that confidence will change your life and the world around you.  It is so, so easy to get caught up in the chaos of the world. It is so, so easy to lose your eternal perspective.  And the knowledge that you are a daughter of God is what you need to combat that.  You are of divine heritage.  And he has amazing, wonderful things in store for you.

Don't dwell on your imperfections.  Embrace who you are, and know that with God's help, you can become who you are truly meant to become.  Those weaknesses that you are probably beating yourself up about on a daily basis really truly can become strengths.  If you put your faith in the Lord, put all of your efforts in, and rely on the grace of God, anything is possible.

Remember that you are standing as a witness of God at all times, and in all things and in all places.  I cannot express enough how important it is to be at the right place at the right time.  It's a lot easier to make good choices when you surround yourself with good people and good places.  Make friends with people that think you are the best.  That think you are awesome.  Having friends that fill your life with positivity is something that will bless you throughout the rest of your life.  Don't cling to negative people- you are better than that.  Because remember- you are a daughter of God.  And if you radiate light and positivity to those around you, the right people will be attracted to that and will want to be around you.

You are going to get overwhelmed by life.  It's something that happens to all of us.  Confide in your mom, confide in your leaders.  They have so much to offer you.  I have been so blessed throughout my life with amazing advice from my parents and leaders.  I still to this day thank God daily for the amazing youth leaders that I had who helped shape my testimony and faith in God.  When you do feel overwhelmed, just remember that you are never alone.  And also remember that the problem you face is just a small pebble that you probably have placed right in front of your eye.  As you pull the pebble away, and your vision isn't completely consumed by the sight of this rock, you begin to see that the world is much bigger.  And having an eternal perspective that you are just experiencing a small pebble in a large world can bring you comfort and peace.  All things will work together for your good.  Remember that and cling to that promise that God has given us.

The last thing I want to say is that you are going to make mistakes.  We all do it.  As much as I wish that the advice I give you will prevent the heartache you will feel from making those mistakes, I know that you will still make them.  Just remember that those mistakes do not define you.  Your divine heritage, the knowledge that you are daughter of God is what truly defines you.  Give yourself grace, repent when you need to, and just learn from the mistakes that you make.  And once again, if you remember who you truly are, you will be much better equipped to do so.

Remember, remember, remember.  YOU are a daughter of God.

Love,

Sister (Grace) Fisher

I Thank Thee, Oh God, For a Prophet

Today I had the amazing experience of sustaining the new prophet of our church, Russell M. Nelson. I was actually at the conference center back when there was a solemn assembly for Thomas S. Monson and it was such an incredible experience.  I worried that this time around, sitting on my couch just wouldn't be the same.  Fortunately, I was incredibly wrong.

It was such a powerful experience to stand and raise my hand to sustain our new prophet, even though it was just me and Flint watching together.  The spirit was so strong and my eyes got misty because I know that God calls prophets to lead his church.  And I felt the power of the congregation in that conference center and of members all around the world, standing and sustaining our prophet as well.  What a wonderful thing it is to uplift and strengthen one another in our faith and devotion to God and his will.

This week's blog post is short, but I wanted to write down my feelings before I forget them.  Especially since M. Russell Ballard encouraged us to do so in his talk.  President Nelson is called of God.  I know it.  And I can't wait to see what the Lord will do through him.  What an exciting time to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints!

If you are wondering about what I'm talking about- please go to lds.org or I'm always available to answer questions!

All Things Will Work Together For Thy Good

The title of this post is a common phrase heard among Mormons.  I have found myself saying it to others in times of advice and I have definitely found myself saying it to myself when things aren't going well.  But it's such a hard thing to remember when you're in the depths of trial or sorrow, right? I am currently reading the Old Testament as part of my 2018 goal to read all 4 standard works this year.  The Old Testament is often meticulous and hard to get in to, but my most favorite stories seem to come from it.  The story of Abraham is my absolute favorite in all of scripture- so many many lessons to be learned from him.  Today, however, I want to talk about another favorite story of mine- Joseph being sold into Egypt by his brothers.  Or Joseph and the many colored coat, if you will.

I hope this is a familiar story for everyone, but a quick brush up can't hurt, right? Joseph is the 11th of 12 sons of Israel (formerly Jacob) and is the oldest son of Jacob's favorite wife, Rachel.  You know, the Rachel he worked 14 years for? Anyway.  Joseph starts to have dreams that his brothers bow down to him, and he's also the favorite son (colored coat to prove it), which basically ends in a bunch of jealousy and hard feelings and he is sold into Egypt as a slave by his brothers.

To skip ahead in the story a little bit, he ends up in prison since his master's wife accused him of trying to lie with her, even though he was innocent.  And there he spends years.  Years! It is so easy to not realize this because the timeline is summed up in a verse in Genesis, but when you really think about it, this would  have taken a lot of patience to endure.  On top of thinking he would never see his family again and the whole being a slave in the first place thing.

The part that always impresses me the most about Joseph is that he never loses sight of what's truly important.  He never loses his faith.  And he credits God with everything.  He has that eternal perspective.  At the end of the story (once again, skipping ahead), after he has gained great power and such in Egypt and his brothers come and realize who he is, they obviously feel very guilty and sorry and ask for forgiveness.  And this is the impressive part.  Joseph tells them "Fear not; for am I in the place of God? But as for you, ye thought evil against me; but God meant it unto good, to bring to pass, as it is this day, to save much people alive." (Genesis 50: 19-20) Basically he's saying- this was all part of God's plan! Your poor choices still turned into good.  If they hadn't sold Joseph into Egypt, then they wouldn't have been saved from the famine in Canaan all those many years later.  So this had to happen to save his father's family.  All things worked together for Joseph's good.

Sometimes we are victims to others' poor choices.  And we feel trapped, even though we did nothing to get in that situation.  But what a miracle it is that God still is able to bring things together for our benefit.  His plan cannot be ruined by others' choices.  I have definitely experienced this in my life.  Where I have felt hurt and betrayed which resulted in me feeling like I can't experience happiness because what could have been is ruined by others.  (A little "wo is me" attitude).  Fortunately I have also experienced what Joseph describes as well.  All things are possible to God.  All Things.  No, he won't take away anyone's agency, but He will make sure that all things will work together for our good.  And once again, the atonement makes up for any hurt or betrayal we may feel.

So next time you feel like a victim, remember that.  And also remember that waiting on the Lord is something that comes with the territory.  Joseph waited years in prison.  And years after that to see his family again.  It was a long road, but one where he still managed to see the Lord's hand in all things.  All Things.  And that's why he was able to forgive his brethren so quickly and easily.  Something I want to achieve one day.

The Lord is in the details of our lives.  The good, the bad, the ugly.  Often we write gratitude journals or try and focus on all the good things in our lives as signs that God is with us.  But even the bad things in our lives have God in them.  And those things are also a part of God's plan.  They aren't things that happen despite of His plan.  God's hand applies to all aspects of our life.  And what a blessing that is, even if we can't see it at the time.

Ponder Anew, What the Almighty Can Do

Three years ago, I found myself stressing.  In a way that I had never experienced before.  For those of you that know me, I'm very chill and usually do quite well under pressure.  But this was a different kind of pressure.  I found myself in a position of having 0% control and was at the mercy of so many things.  An algorithm (the match), my husband's choices, the residency program directors' choices, etc.  And I went to my dad and asked for a blessing.  I was seeking for something, anything to ease my fears and calm my heart.  

The only thing I remember about that blessing is that he said the Lord was aware of my family and our needs.  And that he would send us to the best place for our family.  Little did I know that that place would be a small town in rural Pennsylvania- Danville.  There have been so many, many times that I have doubted we were in the right place.  From the moment I burst into tears at our match ceremony and found out we were coming here, until the moments leading up to the match this time around.  And here I am, 3 years later, finally understanding why we were sent to Danville.  Danville is where Ben would be able to achieve his dream of becoming a surgeon and I would be able to find a support system to endure the ups and downs of not matching and of just being a surgery resident's wife.  The Lord had both of us in mind when he sent us here.  

Matched.  I'm pretty sure that's the best word in the English language. :) A word that for me, means relief, grace, atonement, progress, celebration and overcoming.  I have visualized posting "MATCHED" on facebook for 3 years now. And I was finally able to.  There is power in visualization.  There is power in never giving up hope that what you want can and will happen, through the grace of God.  

I went to the temple back in November to once again find peace during a trying time.  And the lyrics to the hymn "Praise to the Lord, the Almighty" were brought to my mind.  And I haven't been able to shake them since.  In verse 4 it says, 

Praise to the Lord, who doth prosper thy work and defend thee. 

Who from the heavens the streams of His mercy doth send thee.

Ponder Anew, What the Almighty Can do

Who with His love, doth befriend thee.

All things are possible to God.  Trust Him.  Even if you don't see any possible, logical way that it can happen, that's when we need to ponder anew what God is capable of doing.  As we got the news that we matched, I have been singing (belting) that song out (in my mind, I'm not a singer, LOL) in praise.  It really was possible! And the intricacies of events that happened to allow this to happen are incredible.  And I'm happy to explain to anyone who will listen, but for the sake of not making this post forever long, I will spare you the details.  But as I look back at the last 3 years, so SO many tender mercies have happened along the way to make this possible.  

Here are a few things I have learned in the last 3 years that I want to share:

1. When someone doesn't match (or goes through some other crazy trial), it doesn't help to hear of stories that happened to others in similar situations and then everything worked out.  I have heard so many stories of people who didn't match and then it all worked out for them.  And I do appreciate those stories because they were coming from people who loved and cared about me.  And wanted to comfort me.  But if anyone is reading this post and didn't match, I have something else to say to you.  Just because things worked out this way for me, doesn't mean they will work out this way for you. Putting faith and trust in other people's experiences is building your hope and trust in something false and not steady.  True strength comes from putting your faith and trust in GOD.  When you lean on Him, believing and trusting in His power, that's where you will find relief.  He knows what is best for us.  Know that and trust it! 

2. God takes us into consideration.  Maybe that's a duh moment. But in the past 3 years, I have often felt like "well I guess it doesn't matter what I do or what I think because what's going to happen is going to happen, and I just have to accept that.  And I just have to learn some lesson that I'm not in the mood to learn because God is going to do what He is going to do. I once again have no control."  But that's where I was wrong.  Praying to God is not a me asking and Him denying type of thing. He takes my thoughts, my fears, my loves, my desires into consideration when He makes things possible (or sometimes impossible).  Sometimes it feels like denying because of the timeline.  Waiting on God is so so hard.  But He always, always comes through with our best interest in mind.  

3. Sometimes marriage is hard, even though I have never found being married to Ben hard.  Let me explain.  Ben is the ideal husband.  No really, he is! He is always patient with me.  He never loses his temper.  He always helps around the house without being asked.  He is dedicated to the gospel and to doing the right thing.  He is a wonderful, wonderful father and dedicates his time and love to our children.  He always puts me first when taking anything into consideration.  He is kind, thoughtful, hard working.  But marriage in general is hard sometimes because we are at the mercy of our spouse and our spouse's choices.  Ben was determined to be a surgeon.  I have often thought "why couldn't he have chosen a less competitive specialty?!" And I was at the mercy of his choice.  But what a beautiful thing it is that Ben and I have gone through the best of times and worst of times together in our short (almost!) 5 years of marriage.  Getting through this has made us stronger and will help us face more hardships together in the future.  

4. Sharing success is so much sweeter when you have shared your sorrows and failures.  Not matching can be a shameful thing.  It can be a thing that makes you think you're not good enough and a lot of people don't want to talk about it.  Because we've been so open about our experience, however, when we finally did match, the amount of cheerleaders exploding with happiness on our behalf was overwhelming.  My phone was blowing up all day on Monday with people thrilled beyond belief for us.  When you fail, you often don't want to talk to anyone about it.  But people are kinder than you think they are going to be.  Trust me.  They are more supportive than you think they are going to be. Our group of cheerleaders only grew with each failure that we faced.  And when our time finally came, the celebration was that much sweeter because we had so many people to celebrate with.  

5. And finally, trials are an experience to build faith, not waver in it.  When the going gets tough, that is an opportunity to become closer to God, not farther.  To grow stronger with God, not weaker.  And it took me 3 years to learn that.  And I hope I remember it next time.  God allows trials sometimes because our faith needs to be built.  Our trust in Him needs to grow.  

I am unable to truly explain to you the feeling of relief we experienced this week.  And I am unable to fully express my gratitude to our cheerleaders and to God.  But what a wonderful problem that is, right? 

The mercy of failing

*inhales deep breath for courage* This post has been a long time coming.  But it's something that I feel very passionate about and want to finally share with others.  Some of you may already know this story, but that's ok, you can enjoy it again! :)

I was a golden child in high school.  Practically perfect grades, took all honors classes, made all of the right choices. I did all of the right things to get into BYU- which was what I wanted more than anything at the time.  When the acceptance letter came, I was elated! But not really surprised.

I'll spare you the sad sob story of how I got out to BYU and crumpled from the extreme homesickness I felt and my inability to cope with the new lifestyle that college brought. I'll just say that it was hard.  I thought the solution to my problem would be to move to a new place and get a fresh start, which I did.  But nothing really changed because I wasn't really addressing the underlying problem (re: my non existent social life/loneliness). And having connections with people is a huge deal.  Even the most introverted of people needs human interaction.  And not just any kind of interaction, but deep, meaningful interaction.

As my depression and loneliness slowly started taking over my life, it led to a string of choices.  It started with choosing to not go a class one day.  Then not to go to another class and another class and another one.  You can imagine where I'm going with this.  I would literally go a week without stepping foot onto campus at all.  Sometimes more than that.  As you can imagine, my grades plummeted.  I got a letter in the mail from the academic office saying that I had a warning and that if I didn't shape up, more action would be needed.  Then after another semester and similar choices, probation happened. Probation meant that I had one more chance to either shape up or get suspended.

During my probation semester, I got called as the relief society president of my singles ward.  And although it was a lot of responsibility (I had 100 girls in my ward), I truly loved it and I grew to love the girls.  Most importantly, however, I grew to love my bishopric and became very close to my bishop.  He was the one that I finally broke down and told about my academic struggles.  Not even my family really knew what was going on.

I continued to not go to class during that probation semester.  What was I thinking, you may ask? I honestly couldn't tell you except that I was not.  I just couldn't handle it.  And there would be this vicious cycle of depression which made it even harder to go, so I wouldn't, which would make it even harder to go, etc.  So towards the end of the semester, I found myself in my bishop's office, crying, knowing what was going to happen.  And he offered to give me a blessing.  In the blessing he repeated over and over that the Lord would have mercy on me.  And I remember thinking, "wow, I'm not going to be suspended! The Lord can perform miracles, so this is going to work out!" Boy was I wrong.

I got my grades back.  I got the letter.  And I got suspended for a year.

I had failed.

Do you know what it feels like to fail? In something really big? Like, I just destroyed my future, big? For your sake, I hope you haven't.  Let me try and explain it to you. I woke up every single morning after that for years with a wave of "You are a failure" washing over me.  And on top of that, I looked at how I had gotten to that point, and I had literally no one else to blame but myself.  My choices got me there.  Not my inadequacies or short comings.  But my choices.  It was entirely, 100% my fault.  And the more poor choices I made, the fewer options I had.  To the point where I had no options because suspension was chosen for me.  I would sit in church, listening to how God makes all of the difference, and thought, "well that doesn't apply to me because I put myself here."  Any dreams for my future in grad school were thrown away.  And here I was, a prisoner to my own self.  

I stayed out in Provo even though I wasn't currently attending school.  And I actually stayed away from BYU for a year and a half because I apparently wasn't ready to go back after the year.  But something happened to me that first semester back.  And lots of things happened to me during that year and a half away.  I experienced mercy.  And I learned that our God, indeed, is a merciful God.  

And even though I just took a really long time to explain my failure, what I want to focus on today is mercy.  And what I learned about all of those years ago.  During my first semester back, my relief society president (I had moved and was in a different ward now) called me and challenged me to put all of my effort into praying genuine prayers that week because she was teaching a lesson about prayer that upcoming Sunday and wanted me to share my experience.  So I agreed. And I prayed, boy did I pray.  And poured out my soul to my Heavenly Father that week, in a way that I hadn't in a very long time.  

And somehow, in God's infinite mercy, I saw a glimpse of myself.  Of my true self.  And all of the potential that I have.  And it was a huge wake up call to me.  Why would God throw away all of this potential that I have just because I had made a mistake? Or a lot of them for that matter? God needs me to be an instrument in His hands, despite how imperfect I am.  And I saw that.  I saw that even though I had failed, failing was not going to define my life. And I was still capable of living a full, joyful life.  He still wanted to use me for great things.  I still had infinite potential to accomplish marvelous things.  

But how was this possible? And a small thought entered my head: mercy.  God had mercy on me.  And that is one of the most beautiful things in the world.  And he continues to have mercy on me every single day.  And that mercy is a part of the atonement. He makes up for our failures.  Even when we are the ones that put ourselves in that position.  If we are willing to come unto him,  He will show us mercy.  Because He loves us.  Because He knew that we would make mistakes.  Just like Adam and Eve.  He provided them with a savior and way to overcome the fact that they disobeyed him.  Yes, they still got kicked out of the garden of Eden, but they still lived lives of joy.  They drew close to the Lord and were able to have posterity and happiness. He had mercy on them.  

And that, my friends, is one of the beautiful things about life.  We are all going to fail.  In big ways sometimes, and in small ways.  But that's ok, because the Lord provided a way for us to overcome that.  There is always a way back.  

Since then, I have learned so much about myself.  And I have lived a life full of joy and love.  A life I didn't think was possible when I got that suspension notice long ago.  But I'm glad that through God, all things are possible.  Through his mercy, I found love for myself, and saw the way He loves me, even if just for a moment.  He has bigger and better plans for us than we can even imagine.  And for that, I am grateful.  

"Oh I could never do that"

I am a surgeon's wife.  Or to be more specific, a surgery resident's wife.  Because of this, I am often met with people saying things to me like "Oh I could never do that," "I could never raise children being so far away from family" "I could never live with the schedule your husband works" or something along those lines.  And while I am used to hearing these things, it has really got me thinking lately.

A dear friend of mine, Emily, who was originally my Young Women's leader when I was a teenager, was diagnosed with MS years ago.  I remember being so saddened by this news (I believe I was at BYU when it happened) and thought "Wow she is so strong, I could never do that."  And then one Sunday I was visiting St. Louis in my home ward and was sitting in Relief Society.  I don't remember the topic of the lesson, or even who the teacher was.  But what I do remember is a comment my friend Emily made.  She talked about how people often say to her "you are so strong, I could never do that" (and of course I immediately thought, yep I think that), and she's like, but why? Why do you think I'm strong enough? Before I was diagnosed, I would have said that same thing, but here I am, dealing with it, and have found that you rise to your circumstances.  And with God's support, you become strong and are able to handle whatever comes your way.  (I will admit those were probably not her exact words, but the message is still the same.) But wow what a message, right?

Why do we think we can't do hard things? Of course none of us will ever wish illness upon ourselves, or any hardship for that matter, but what if we approached our trials with a different perspective? A more eternal perspective.  Two years ago I was saying things like "I can't even handle the thought of not matching." And then we didn't match.  And then a year ago I was like "I can't even if we don't match again." And we didn't.  And now here I am- I survived those two years! And I have learned that I'm approaching this year's match differently.  What if we don't match? You know what- God will  provide! He always does! And I can handle it.  I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.

So yes, Ben's schedule is hard.  Super hard.  But here I am, handling it.  And you could too if you were in my shoes.  And I have children and I don't live by my parents (which sucks).  But you know what? Here I am, handling it.  And you can too.  The Lord provides and makes up the difference for when you "can't even." I have an amazing tribe of women here in Danville that have become my family.  And the Lord has blessed me with that.  It's what I needed to handle the hardships I face.

When we tell ourselves that we can't do something, we are limiting ourselves.  A girl said to me the other day that she just knows that she is the type of person that couldn't handle raising children while away from her family.  Because she knows herself.  I'd like to challenge that thinking though.  You don't know yourself like you think you do.  God knows the real you, the true you.  Only he knows what you are truly capable of.

To go off of my last post- a lot of dealing with my shyness has been in direct correlation to what I'm talking about today.  I had just accepted that I was shy and that I couldn't do certain things, like approach someone I didn't know.  Or speak out in a group of outgoing people.  But as I drew closer to God, and my confidence in my ability to overcome my shyness increased, I realized that God knew I had it in me the whole time.  I just didn't.  I thought I had figured myself out.  But I was wrong.  And I'm glad that I was.

I had a major break through with myself when I went to Israel.  I was able to break out of my shell and make some life long friends.  As I pondered on this, and thanked God over and over again for helping me reach out to people and make friends quickly, I suddenly realized that I had never felt more like myself in my entire life.  And the spirit whispered to me, "This is the Grace that I created, take her home with you."

The person that God created is the real you.  The true you.  And that person can do hard things.  I can do hard things.  And it is by doing hard things that you come to learn this about yourself and come to see the person that God created.  So just think about that the next time you think "Oh I know myself and I could never do that." Because the odds are, it isn't true.  We were all made as beings with everlasting and divine potential.  We were not made to fail.  And if we do fail (which we will), God will make up the difference.

A life lived in fear is a life half lived

The title of this post comes from one of my favorite movies- "Strictly Ballroom" and that quote is something I think of often. Because aren't we all confronted with fear on a constant basis? Maybe some more than others,  but I know I am.  Fear that things won't work out, fear that I will fail, fear that someone won't like me, fear that I'm not reaching my potential, etc. But it's what we do with that fear that defines us. At least I have found that in my life.  It's the times in my life that I have faced those fears head on and moved forward anyway that I have found the most happiness.

I often recall a life changing experience that I had at BYU. One of many, actually.  But I need to give a little background first.  I have always been painfully shy.  And trust me, it is painful. Warming up to people took a long time, making friends was super hard, and going to social events was very hard if I didn't know everyone there.  Sometimes making it so I wouldn't go even.  And this obviously impacted my experience at BYU once I left home.  Let's just say that moving out of my comfort zone across the country wasn't a fun experience.

I spent a few years at BYU, but never really felt like I fit in.  I felt lost, even.  Not only was I struggling socially, but I also had no idea what I was doing with my life and had no idea what to major in, what I was going to do after college, etc.  Typical problems people at that age go through.  So I felt inspired to ask my brother, Parker for a blessing when I saw him next.  He was a freshman at the University of Utah and lived 45 minutes away from me.  I thought it was kind of an odd prompting because my dad was actually going to be in town that weekend, and he would usually be my choice to get a blessing from. And Parker was only 18.  But I texted him anyway and asked if he could give me one when I saw him that weekend before we picked up my dad from the airport.

You guys.  This blessing literally changed my life.  I still to this day have the notes I took afterwards written down in my phone. It's a simple bullet point list, but I wanted to share it here:

I was given the ability to relate to all different types of people

I was blessed to be fearless against temptation

Reach out to the Lord, and He will do the same

Prayers will not be answered how I think they will be

My shyness and fear have inhibited my life and I can overcome this with the Lord's help

I just need to be myself

Remember that it's the Lord's timeline

My weaknesses can become strengths

And for some reason I had never thought of my shyness as a fear- but that's exactly what it is! And the antidote for fear is faith.  And thus started my journey towards conquering my weakness, shyness.  Or social anxiety, I have come to realize.  Was it easy? Absolutely not.  Not even a little bit.  But after that blessing, I felt equipped with the the tools to face my fears and I knew that I had the Lord by my side.  And as I'm reading this list again today, it's crazy how they still apply to me 8 years later. And probably always will.  I had been praying and praying to be able to figure out what to do with my life, and the answer I got was to conquer my fear/shyness.  And it's exactly what I needed because conquering that fear opened so many doors to me.  It's a coping skill that I needed to have a successful life in general.  

Conquering that fear opened me up to a life I didn't know I could have.  A full life.  And it just made me realize that what God promises us is true.  "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness.  I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." (Ether 12:27)

I still smile with gratitude towards God every time I tell a new friend I have made in Danville that I consider myself a shy person (it's hard to shake something you identify yourself as sometimes) and they are completely surprised and can't believe that I think that.  I just thank God that my weakness became strong through a long process, but a worthwhile process.  That's what the atonement has done for me.  One of the many things.  And I'm just so grateful that God is so good.  It gives me hope that my other weaknesses will also eventually become strengths. 

Momming so hard

I'm writing this post today more as an accountability post for myself.  I've been thinking a lot lately about goals.  Ben gave me a journal for Valentine's Day that's kind of like a bullet journal- only the prompts and stuff are already in the journal and it's centered around making and accomplishing goals.  And I've been struggling to even come up with goals because being an at home mom often feels so mundane and monotonous.  I feel like when I was single or even married and working, it was much easier for me to set goals and then outline the necessary steps to achieve them.  Like getting a bachelors degree or getting a promotion.  But now that I'm at home, changing diapers and doing dishes and laundry all day every day, I often feel like I don't have any goals left in me to achieve.  Like ok- raise my kids? Make sure they make it into adulthood? What does that even look like and how do I make concrete goals to achieve that?

So I decided I need to look at being a mom like a job (yes I  know it's a job, I'm just saying...) and set some goals to become a better mom.  Because it's always good to try and be better.  I need to put my God given talents to use by putting my all into being a mom.  I have often felt lately like I have all of this potential and talent and yet it's wasted because I don't do anything but change diapers and (sometimes) clean my house.  But that's not true.

So I have thought to myself- what are my strengths? And how can I translate that into becoming a better mother/wife/member of my church congregation/resident of my neighborhood/ etc?

I am creative - I can come up with fun things for Flint (and eventually Dorothy) for me to do together.  Crafts, imaginary play, fort building. It will create fun memories for me and my kids, it will strengthen my bond with them, and it will build their imaginations and minds.

I am smart - I can teach my children to love learning and about the world around them.  I can teach them the truth about things.  I can help them in their educational goals and bond with the while doing so.  I can continue learning to keep my mind sharp, even though I am not attending a school anymore.

I am faithful - I can testify of my love of the Savior and of my knowledge of the truthfulness of the gospel to my children and husband and friends.  I can share goodness and help my children develop their own testimonies of the Savior and his gospel.  I can dedicate myself to having a good thought out Family Home Evening each week to increase our bond as a family.

I am brave- I can show my children that I'm not afraid to do hard things.  I can talk to them and be open about things I go through that are hard, but that I do anyway and become better for them. I can talk with my children about the things they find hard that they are confronted with in their lives.

And the list can go on.  And if I'm not good at something, I can get better at it, which will benefit not only myself, but my family as well.  One thing I want to be better at is being healthy by taking care of my body by eating well and being more active.  By having an active family, we will grow closer together and feel better both mentally and physically.  In general, healthy people are happy people.

So I've realized I just need to change my mindset about this momming thing.  I can still use my many talents, just not in the way I used to use them.  And that is definitely a goal worth setting and achieving.  

Lessons from Moana

You might remember my post about lessons from Hamilton.  Well to continue with my Lin-Manuel Miranda fandom, I have another one for you concerning Moana.  And I have seen this movie a lot.  It used to be the only movie that Flint would sit through the entire thing.  And there are actually a lot of lessons to be learned from Moana, but I'd like to focus on one in particular today.

Moana has set off on her journey across the ocean to find Maui.  Through a series of events, she ends up with her boat capsized and feels helpless.  She calls to the ocean, screaming, "Help me!" As opposed to getting the help she was hoping for from the ocean, she is approached by big dark storm clouds and thunderous waves.  She and her boat go through a collasal storm and then she finds her self on an unknown island.  Even though she is angry with the ocean and yells and screams in frustrations, it turns out, however, that she was on the exact island she needed to be on to find Maui and go about her journey.

So the ocean did help her.  Yes, she had to go through a horrible storm, but it was through that storm that she was able to accomplish the thing she so desperately wanted.  Hmmmm.... you mean I have to like do hard things to get what I want sometimes? You mean maybe the ocean (metaphorically God) knows it was hard, but also knows that it takes us to where we want to be? Or makes us into who we want to become? Dang.  But doing hard things, is, well, hard!

As I've thought about this concept, I have realized that it has applied a lot throughout my life.  I particularly think about one of the most embarrassing days of my life.  Not embarrassing in the funny way.  Or maybe not enough time has passed for me to find it funny... Anyway.  I studied abroad in Jerusalem for a semester and part of the semester, we spent an extended weekend in the country Jordan.  So of course during that weekend we went to see Petra.  And boy was it amazing! To see one of the cool buildings, however,  you have to climb a million stairs to get to it.  At this time in my life, I was soooo out of shape.  I never exercised, I didn't try and eat healthy, and I was at one of the heaviest weights of my life.  So take all of that into consideration and you can imagine that climbing a million stairs, was, well, horrible.  The reason it was embarrassing though was because we had to be in groups of 3 or more at all times, so since I was so out shape, I slowed all of the people I was with down considerably because none of them seemed to be having the difficulty I was with getting up these stairs.  Even the senior missionary couple had an easier time getting up those stairs.  So I was so so embarrassed and humiliated.  BUT.  I did it.  And I made it up those stairs (wanting to die at the end throughout the entire time.) And I got to see this:

Pretty cool eh? Yes, I'm sporting an Indian Jones hat and holding a whip :) And although I will admit that it took me a while to appreciate it since I could barely breath, I am glad I did it.  Not a lot of people can say they've been to Petra.  And I consider myself lucky to be able to have seen this.  Not only did climbing those stairs help me achieve something cool that day, but it was also a starting point on my health journey in general.  I lost 50 lbs after this picture so that climb up the stairs helped me in more ways than I ever thought :)

There are lots of other instances of going through something hard to achieve something great in my life.  And so I have to trust that anything I go through now that is hard will also be for my good.  God does promise that all things will work together for our good.  So maybe the last 3 years of intense stress about Ben's job and matching is going to be for my good.  And God will put me right where I'm supposed to be, just like the ocean did with Moana. And just like he always will.  

S.M.I.L.E.

I remember when I was 18, I went to attend my final youth conference before heading out to BYU.  When my friends and I got to the church, we got our shirts only to realize that they were literally the worst event t shirts we had ever seen.  Neon green (first red flag) with "You'd smile, too" on the front in a comic sans font (major second red flag) and "if you knew what I knew" written on the back in black. And that was it.  No pictures, no graphics, not even a mention of what this shirt was for, or what year it was, or anything.  And of course we all made fun of the comma on the front that seemed just so out of place.  I remember my brother in particular saying "You'd smile (insert long dramatic pause), too...if you knew what I knew." Oddly enough though, it is this shirt out of all of my youth conference shirts over the years that I remember the most.  It turned out to be one of the better conferences, despite the horrible shirts.

So why am I bringing this up? I have found myself thinking of the theme of this conference a lot recently, and in fact have thought of it often throughout my life in general.  The theme was actually an acronym- S.M.I.L.E which was in reference to "to be Spiritually Minded Is Life Eternal"- found in 2 Nephi 9:39.

I have felt that motherhood has put my brain in a fog.  As in my pregnant brain from my first pregnancy just never quite left- haha.  And I have found it very hard to stay connected with God.  In fact, I have often felt very distant from him in the last 3 years.  And I have found myself asking why. Why was I able to feel so close to God before children? What changed?  And after pondering this, I realized that my thoughts have not been turned to God like they once were- mainly due to a lack of focus.  Which to give myself some credit, having children makes it really hard to keep up the habits you once had before them.  Such as reading scriptures, praying, journaling, etc.

Another thing that has struck me is the rise in the amount of time I spend on social media.  It was so much easier to focus on God and my spirituality before Instagram existed.  And when I had a job which kept me focused on something productive during the day.  But once I made the decision to stay home with my children, it became so much easier to spend an inordinate amount of time on my phone.  And I have realized that my mind hasn't been focused on spiritual things, which makes it super hard to connect with God or feel close to him.

So I have been really focusing on doing spiritual things every single day in hopes to make myself more "spiritually minded." I will admit that at first, I felt no different.  And I even had trouble focusing on what I was even reading.  But as I have stayed consistent with reading general conference talks, reading my scriptures, and saying genuine prayers, all of the sudden I feel myself thinking spiritual thoughts more often, and in turn, I have felt happier.  And of course writing is the biggest thing for me.  Which is why I committed to write a blog post once a week.  But I've also been writing in my journal and actually writing out my prayers.  If you find yourself falling asleep at night trying to pray or saying the same sentence over and over because you can't focus due to drifting thoughts of fatigue, I highly suggest the writing out your prayers method.  I have been doing this for years now and it is a life changer.  No, I have not written all of my prayers out for years.  But every time I feel my prayers turning insincere or if I am having trouble staying awake, writing them down has gotten me back into a good habit.

As I've done these things, it has been much easier to find God in my every day life, which has made a huge difference in me and in my family.  So I guess what I'm saying is that I'm glad we had to wear those awful shifts over 10 years ago :) And it gives me hope that maybe I'm making a bigger difference with the youth than I think I am. (I am with the Young Women at church right now).  If I still think about things from when I was a youth, then maybe whatever I'm teaching them now will make them think 10 years from now. Maybe? Youth are hard to read I have learned :)

PS Thank you to all who have reached out after my last post.  Turns out Dorothy is NOT colic- praise the Lord. And she just had a couple of rough days.  But she (and I) are doing MUCH better.  She even has been sleeping every night! Game changer.  No, things aren't perfect, or even easy, but as February 1 hit yesterday, I thought to myself "wow I survived the first month." And there was something very freeing and strengthening about that thought.  Here's to surviving the next month!

2 kids are harder than 1

I have honestly struggled to even know what to blog about this week.  Mainly because I have been swimming in throw up and poop all week (TMI?) on top of a very emotional toddler and a baby I'm starting to suspect might have colic.  It was my first week as a "single mom"- meaning Ben finally had to go back to work and all of my visitors are gone.  Flint and I both got sick with whatever is going around (thankfully it was only a 24 hour bug for both of us) and Dorothy is just figuring out life I suppose.

Dorothy cried for 6 straight hours 2 nights ago until 3 AM.  And I will admit that my emotions got the best of me.  "Why did I have another kid?" "This is definitely my last child" "Flint wasn't like this" "I hate being a mom" are all thoughts that crossed my mind... multiple times.  On top of feeling extreme guilt for breaking down, causing my sleep deprived husband to have to wake up and take the baby, even though he had to wake up in 2 hours and had just gone to bed a few hours earlier.  Did I mention this was also the night I was throwing up? Let's just say it wasn't a fun night for anyone involved.

But Ben somehow got her to sleep at 3 AM and then she slept for 5 hours, woke up to eat and then continued sleeping.  And somehow when she woke up, and I felt (kind of) rested, her sweet little face melted my heart and all was forgiven.  She had a much better night last night just in case you were wondering :) But I was so thankful because friends somehow knew I needed help. I had a friend come and drop by unexpected.  I'm sure she took one look at me and insisted on taking Flint for the afternoon.  But I was so grateful.  And another friend took him for a few hours today.  Once again grateful.

And it just reminded me of a talk given quite a few years ago (2006 to be exact) by Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin called "Sunday will Come." I just looked it up and re read it and one quote that stuck out to me this time around was "But the doom of that day did not endure...no matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come." The Sunday he is referring to is Easter Sunday- the day the Lord was resurrected.  On Friday, the Lord was crucified and darkness consumed the world, but Sunday did come and hope and joy came again when he was resurrected.  Sunday always comes after any darkness and grief we may experience in this life.  

All trials suck.  But the one wonderful thing about them is that they do not endure.  They don't last forever.  As I woke up the next morning, the 6 hours of screaming had stopped and somehow we had all survived. I guess simply put, "this too shall pass." And it always does! And for that I'm grateful once again.  And being grateful in the midst of the trials, clinging on to the hope that it really will pass is what allows me to pull through, and even feel joy during them.  I'm beyond grateful for a husband who is willing to sacrifice sleep to take care of our baby.  Without complaining and without me asking him to.  I'm grateful for my Danville community of women who come to my aid like a family would.  And I'm grateful that screaming babies fall asleep eventually, even if it's not as quickly as I would like :)

Most of all I'm grateful for the perspective that the gospel brings to me.  Having an eternal perspective allows me to cope with hard things.  Remembering talks from conferences, scriptures I read, prayers I've said, etc. bring me peace when things get rough.  And it makes me grateful that I've stuck with my faith all of these years.  Makes me grateful that I listened to those talks, read those scriptures, and said those prayers because doing those things years ago helps me today. And doing them today will help me years from now.  That's why those little daily things are so important.  You never know what you'll need to pull out of your reserves years later.  Or days or minutes later.

So today, I choose to be grateful, even though having 2 kids is challenging.  And being sleep deprived is challenging.  And lots of other things going on in my life are challenging.  But being grateful and remembering that Sunday always comes keeps me going.  I've had many "Fridays" in my life, and the Sundays have always, always come.  Sometimes years later, but they came.  God has promised that and I'm going to choose to trust him.

My vision for 2018

I recently was introduced to the idea of a vision board.  Perhaps others of you have heard of this idea, or even done one yourself.  The basic concept is that you have a board of some sort with pictures that represent your goals/things you want/vision for your life.  And I definitely loved the idea and decided to do one for the year 2018.

My main reason for doing this is because I want to be more proactive with setting my mind on goals and letting the Lord know what I want.  I strongly believe in the power of prayer and after studying a lot on the idea of prayer in general, I have felt like I need to be more specific in my prayers and in asking for what I really desire.  And of course still be submissive to His will and accept that He knows better than I do.  More thoughts on prayer will perhaps be forthcoming in another blog post.  For now, I wanted to show you a digital representation of our family vision board for the year.

First and foremost, I want our home to be a Christ centered home.  Having this be our number one priority will set everything else in place.  Ben got me a big framed picture of the art shown below of Christ walking on water for Christmas.  I have loved this picture for a while now (which he didn't even know) and I have also been wanting a more non traditional picture of Christ to hang up in my home for a while.  So it was the perfect gift! It reminds me that even when the waves and storms of life surround us, Christ is a constant.  He can calm the waves at his command and walks the waters by faith in God.

I also want to make the temple a much bigger priority for our family in 2018.  Unfortunately we live 3 hours away from the closest temple, which definitely makes it a lot more difficult.  On top of my nursing a baby and Ben's surgery schedule.  But if we make it a priority, I know we will be blessed.  Our temple is the Philadelphia temple, which is one of the newer temples.  And it is so beautiful.  We love Philly so definitely need to make it down there more often.  Once it warms up a bit, and it is safe for Dorothy to be out, I would like to try and go once a quarter.  Once that becomes more manageable, perhaps we can up that to once every other month.  

Matching into surgery!! Obviously this is a big one.  We want nothing more than for Ben to finally have a solid residency spot and hopefully that spot will be in general surgery.  I know Ben will make a great surgeon.  And I hope to one day look back at this time in life with the ability to say that waiting to become a surgeon was worth it.  Even though it's hard to wait, and being a surgery resident is hard on everyone in our family.  But hard is good! What doesn't kill us makes us stronger right?

After we get our job lined up in March, our big goal for this year is to buy a house.  The idea of buying a house is a little scary to me (hello adulthood), but overall it's really exciting and I'm dying to be a homeowner.  A general surgery residency is 5 years long, so that's a good amount of time in one place.  The longest in our marriage so far!  I despise moving, so that idea of being in once place for 5 years is also super appealing.  And having a say in my wall colors :) 

With that being said, I also want to be better at keeping a cleaner home this year.  A clean home really is a happy home.  And if I keep on top of it, it's so much easier.  Ben has had this week off so we've been purging our home and it has felt awesome.  Hopefully we can keep up the pace.  I also want to make sure I'm spending more time working on my home and keeping it clean than on social media- as this meme suggests :)

And finally, the resolution that keeps persisting every year- being healthy! I'm not making a weight loss goal though or anything like that.  I just want our family to be more conscious of eating fruits and vegetables and to be more active in general.  Going on hikes, bike rides, etc.  The only specifics I have set for myself is not eating fast food (and if I do eat at a fast food restaurant, to get a salad).  I even ate a salad at McDonald's today.  Because honestly, the indoor playground at McDonald's is a godsend when it's freezing outside and your toddler really needs to get out some energy.

So that's my board for now.  I might add things as the year goes on- especially since two of the things will be done by March, and that's only a quarter of the year!  I also have some personal goals that I am working on- like blogging more, but this is for the Fisher family as a whole.  What are some goals you all are working on?